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Working Mums, You Just Can't Have It All! Or can you?

By Amanda Alexander

Republish: EasyPublish™ Published: 16Dec2010 Word count: 922 Viewed: 274 time(s) Get Free Content For Your Site

In debating the idea of working mums today wanting and "having it all," it's clear the issue has attracted widespread attention in both professional and popular media, particularly with the release of leading lady Emma Thompson's controversial statement on the subject.

To quote, "The only way you can have it all is by delegating all the running of the home to other people—which I don't ever want to do ... So you do it yourself, and it takes time and energy and effort. And if you give it the time, it's profoundly enjoyable."

Garnering the wrath of Telegraph columnist, Judith Woods, who took advantage of Thompson's remarks to question the origins of the "pernicious and wholly pejorative expression 'having it all'," the debate hinges on the definition of "it" and "all", and its implications rather than its reality.

Woods continued, the term "implies greed and thoughtless acquisition {and that it became} lazy shorthand for an Eighties fantasy of the ruthless female executive in a suit clutching a baby and a mobile phone the size of an electricity generator, à la Diane Keaton in Baby Boom—an emotionally detached, multitasking automaton in heels."

The implications of selfish and self-entitled, power suit adorned, Eighties women has also been the kernel of the much despised image of the man-hating Feminist whose massive shoulder pads could rival any fellow's masculine breadth.

This image of the heartless ladder-climbing witch busting through the glass ceiling is one that threatens a whole range of groups; from manly men who fear being made redundant to fundamentalist groups who view working women as somehow spiritually bereft.

Yet, it's also the Phyllis Schlafly's of the world who malign the non-traditional woman, often depicting them as subversive anti-family agents out to destroy societal and familial mores. Even Fay Weldon—associate of the feminist movement well-noted for literary protagonists trapped by domestic demands and sexual inequality—seems to have retreated to an anti-feminist stance in response to Thompson's comments, blaming women for their own predicaments and for pursuing a vision in which "it's the children who suffer in a world that two generations of feminists have created."

In her Daily Mail article, Weldon seconds Thompson's statement, claiming that as inheritors of supposed Feminist Liberation, we've "inadvertently bred a race of young men who 'won't commit' to women" because our "young women are so confident in their power, their effectiveness, as they seek to cultivate the aggression which once belonged to the young male" that they frighten them off.

Worst of all, Weldon argues, we've left the kids to suffer a lonely childhood disconnected from mothers who have essentially abandoned them to anonymous, unloving caregivers.

In reaction to the idea that there might be economic need for women to work, Weldon again faults second-wavers for singing "to capitalism's tune" and themselves creating a society where families can no longer rely on the male breadwinner.

The idea that women, particularly working mum, want "too much" or have "too much" is problematic precisely because such comments are never made about the male of the species. Aiming for professional and personal success is seen as a worthy goal for men, but for women who try to pursue satisfaction in both areas, we're accused of greedily trying to "have it all."

It's a definition that relies on tired concepts that women are and should only be nurturers, and that even if we must work, we must first identify ourselves as mothers and wives. We're expected to put everyone else's needs before our own, docile as we accept marginalization and second-class status.

I have never met a working mother who blindly pursues her own goals with ruthless disregard for her children. Nor have I encountered a mum who cheerfully announces that in seeking it all, she's stumbled upon a perfectly balanced Stepford Wife world in which she rules as a the queen of pretty, white picketed efficiency, a great sex life, and well-behaved child prodigies.

The idea that having it all implies perfection is no closer to the reality than the one that implies unbridled self-indulgence. Rather, most working mums reveal that having and wanting it all really means having the freedom to pursue passions and aspirations in multiple areas, and not be relegated to living a life of a one-dimensional character, tethered to the domestic front. And though we may have been successful in attaining that freedom, it seems we continue to face the barriers of unfair stereotypes.

Many suggest that one answer lies in the creation of public policies which further legitimize workplace equality, such as improved caregiver leave, part-time wage parity, and paid sick days. The solution really does not lie in making women feel guilty for "wanting too much" but rather in bringing social and labour views up to date to enable greater family security and happiness.

Unfortunately, it may be awhile before those changes are enacted. While we wait, it's understandable if you still feel guilt when accused of trying to "have it all."

Booking an appointment for Online Coaching can help you understand why you're having such feelings and realize that it's not a product of bad decisions you've made, but of a society that places limits on the types of decisions we can and do make.

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