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Sex Talks: Quit Worrying About Loss of Innocence

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Published: 19Jan2010
Word count: 510
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The idea that talking to kids about the natural, biological functions of our body somehow leads to "loss of innocence" is something many parents worry about. This is what sex is, by the way, it's a natural function of our bodies. At its most basic level this is how we reproduce - how we make babies.

It's also a whole bunch of other things - fabulously fun; it feels really, really good; it's a great way to be as close as possible to someone you love (or just lust after). It also can be emotionally draining; scary; inappropriate; relationship altering; and can kill. Parents worry if their kids know about sex and baby-making in particular, this little bit of info about how the sperm gets to the egg (you know, the penis enters the vagina) their kids will experience some kind of loss of innocence.

I think telling kids exactly how we and other animals reproduce has nothing to do with loss of innocence. It's biology, plain and simple. It's science. Unfortunately, as adults we can't get the yucky and complicated parts of sex out of our heads. When we think about talking to our kids, everything we know about it, including our own experiences, springs to mind and we decide it's too much information.

We get very confused about what we know and what's appropriate for kids to know. And we're right! All of that is too much information, especially for the first conversations. What's appropriate for early conversations, which ideally start by five, is the basic biological stuff plus a very simple statement - "This is not something kids do."

When we introduce the idea of sexual intercourse before kids have any real understanding of what it means, they are surprisingly nonchalant about it. They don't know what we know and don't have any context for it, so they don't think it's any big deal at all. We're the ones with the problem - not them. As your kids age, before they enter middle school, you need to introduce the tough stuff - the things that really can lead to "loss of innocence" especially if they discover it on their own. Things like oral sex, porn, rape and STD's. It's better for your kids to learn about this from you, than to figure it out on their own.

Slowly over the years, deepen the conversations to include rape, pornography, sexual abuse, prostitution. Talk about how having sex changes your relationships and what it means to be "ready for sex." And most importantly, when you talk to your kids, be sure to teach them your values. It's your values and willingness to talk about them that will help your kids to make good decisions.

Finally, I firmly believe well-meaning parents with their kid's best interest at heart really can't do any tangible damage to their kids by providing this information. If you think about it, this information will serve them for life and that's your job - helping them to lead thriving, happy, informed lives, including their sex lives!

Through her business, Birds + Bees + Kids, Amy Lang, MA teaches parents how to talk to their children of any age about the birds and the bees. She is the author of Birds + Bees + YOUR Kids - A guide to sharing your beliefs about sexuality, love, and relationships. To learn more tips and tricks for talking to your kids, visit her website http://birdsandbeesandkids.com

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