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Abusive Relationship Help - Personal Wholeness and Abusive Relationships

By Dr Jeanne King PhD

Republish: EasyPublish™ Published: 13Oct2010 Word count: 412 Viewed: 265 time(s) Get Free Content For Your Site

When you pull it back and stand whole in yourself, you may look at that man/woman and authentically say, "I love you." This may be hard to hear if you think domestic abuse is the only issue.

Many people look to their partners to fill the piece missing within themselves. And they rationalize their choice of this particular partner with something like, "He/she complements me." But, seeing your wholeness as dependent on the presence of this other person poses potential problems for both of you.

The obvious is that your seeing, feeling and being whole is completely dependent on that person. And they are elevated in your eyes to provide you with a lasting job that they can never really fulfill...making you what you are not—whole.

Sounds like circular talk? It's not really circular; it is self-evident, especially when you are walking in these shoes. Both parties in abusive relationships can be guilty of this thinking and from here, they place unrealistic expectations on one another.

Complementing Batterer and Abused

The batterer can look to his partner as his emotional security blanket, or as the caretaker of his unidentified and unexpressed feelings. And the abused can look to the batterer as the bully that protects her from dangers outside of the home and, in some cases, from life's responsibilities in general.

The projected message to the other person is that they serve to do for you what you aren't naturally providing for yourself. The trouble in this thinking comes when you stumble upon your integration of what the complementing partner offers you.

Your difficulty in assimilating and integrating what you get from your partner—that you yourself don't internally own—is that when you put it on, it doesn't fit. It can't truly fit—no matter how fitting it is—because you don't "really" own it in yourself.

In domestic abuse interventions, we work with this dynamic within the relationship and the challenge becomes how to help each person individually to find their wholeness within themselves. Once done, in most cases, the control and the power issues can more easily be remedied. (This, of course, is dependent on the underlying psychopathology in play.) If you are in an abusive relationship, and you long to discover if the abuse dynamics can shift and be remedied, then seek to find effective domestic violence relationship therapy addressing multiple aspects of self and relationship abuse.

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