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Mental Emotional Abuse - When Your Partner's Judgments Are Your Defects

By Dr Jeanne King PhD

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Published: 09Apr2011
Word count: 510
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Have you ever noticed how your partner's judgments about you say more about him than they do about you? Yet, he stands behind these judgments as though they are a certified list of your defects.

"You are a lousy housekeeper, because you don't fold the laundry 'correctly'," he declares. "You're a pig because of the way you keep your car (or better yet, don't keep up your car)," he insists. Or, how about this one: "You are a spoiled brat because you have the safety net of your family's wealth," he whines.

Now as an outsider looking in, at first glance, you could think he's actually talking about you. And even in your reality, his observations could be accurate. But, these so-called defects of yours that he relentlessly points out are as much about him as you think they are about you.

Our Judgments Are Our Projections

From classical to pop psychology we know that reality is projection. You can only see that which already exists within you. And when it doesn't, it does not register.

I'm reminded of a story Deepak Chopra used to tell about kittens raised in laboratory rooms with walls painted in horizontal lines. And then once chairs were placed in the room, the cats walked right into them because they didn't see the vertical legs on the chairs.

Vertical lines had not been imprinted in their neuro-sensory bank as had the horizontal lines during their formative development. Consequently, later in life, they simply did not register...they went unnoticed as though they didn't exist.

Whose Problem Are His Judgments, Anyway?

When your partner badgers you with "your defects," be mindful that these are merely his judgments. And more importantly, his sharing these judgments say more about him than they say about you.

So, pick up your head, take your tail out from between you legs and be mindful that he is talking about his preferences…his opinions…his experience. You don't have to own his commentary unless you chose to do so.

You always have the option of looking out before looking in. It is for this reason that some individuals will tell you that mental abuse is in the eyes of the beholder. Now don't get me wrong, this in no way suggests that derogatory comments about you or your character do not hurt and aren't delivered to mess with the way you feel and think about. Rather, I'm reminding you that you have a choice in how you take it in. You can see it as having as much if not more to do with the bully than the bullied.

This shift in your thinking over time can help you restore your dignity in the face of mental emotional abuse. It can give you the inner strength to deal with emotional verbal abuse in ways that support you rather than destroy you.

For more insights on mental emotional abuse, visit http://www.preventabusiverelationships.com/emotional_verbal_abuse.php and claim your Free Instant Access to Survivor Success eInsights. Psychologist Dr. Jeanne King, Ph.D. helps people end and heal from domestic abuse.

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