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Domestic Violence Abuse Injury - Has Your Partner's Actions or Words Touched a Wound Within You?

By Dr Jeanne King PhD

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Published: 21Oct2011
Word count: 488
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We hear that any action that causes any arousal whatsoever beyond a natural physiological response occurs because the action has touched a wound within you. What does this mean and how is it relevant to domestic violence survivors?

Have you ever heard your abusive partner tell you that there is something wrong with you because you still hurt months or even years after he/she did such and such? We hear that question as though we are responsible for the feelings of being abused and somehow thereby—the abuse. However, I'm here to tell you that this conclusion is simply not true!

You are never responsible for the abuse or for what anyone does to you. Their actions are their responsibility. They are fully and completely responsible for their actions, beliefs and feelings…just as you are responsible for your actions, feelings and beliefs.

Separating Action from Reaction

When I say his/her actions have touched a wound in you, what that means is exactly what it says...and only that. Your partner's words or actions have touched and rekindled an old injury within, all awhile creating the impact that it has in and of itself. So beyond the immediate "injury" is a dormant prior injury that resurfaces in your conscious, or more likely unconscious, memory.

The action is NOT the reaction. The action is his/hers...the person acting abusively. And the reaction is the experience of the assault. It's the way in which the blow is interpreted, felt and processed by the one experiencing it.

Now stay with me for a moment because I promise you this gets better for you. Given what I have said above, you and only you get to choose what your reaction will be.

Choosing Your Reaction

Now, you could say this person wouldn't have done such and such "if they really loved me." Or, you could say, "This person doesn't respect me because he/she wouldn't have done what they did if they really respected me." Or, you could think "This person is a 'loser' because they did such and such to me..."

As you can see, your conclusions can be as varied as the people potentially drawing conclusions. And the empowering part here is that you truly get to choose the way in which you interpret and process anything. The "take home" insight for you in this article is that your reflexive processing has as much to do with the injury touched within you as it does anything else.

Disclaimer and Clarification

This article is NOT intended to suggest that abuse is acceptable. The article only states that a wound toward to you also may be a wound within. And you have more power in the experience of your injury than you may have previously recognized.

For more insights helping domestic abuse survivors, visit http://www.preventabusiverelationships.com/ebooks.php and claim your Free Instant Access to Survivor Success eInsights. Dr. Jeanne King, Ph.D. helps individuals and couples nationwide end and heal from domestic abuse. © Jeanne King, Ph.D. - Domestic Violence Prevention and Intervention

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