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Why Do You Believe the Verbal Abuse In Marriage? - Cognitive Dissidence and The Verbal Attack

By Dr Jeanne King PhD

Republish: EasyPublish™ Published: 16Jan2012 Word count: 546 Viewed: 30 time(s) Get Free Content For Your Site

"Why do I believe what he has shouted at me over the years...even though a part of me knows it not to be true?" Men and women alike ask this question, again and again. Sound familiar to you?

Imagine going about your day and all being relatively well. Then out of the blue your partner steps in and hits you with a verbal rant about how you are such____ and such____. And your being so is responsible for his/her disastrous predicament. It's all your fault!

Now here's the issue. This image happens routinely—weekly, monthly, year after year. What might this do to you or to anyone in these shoes?

Verbal Abuse Language, Belief and Feeling

Over time the piercing words work their way into your subconscious, and you hear them in the absence of your abusive partner. It's as though this little voice picks up where he/she left off, carrying on the negative tune. You hear it over and over again.

So, you experience the toxic message from the inside out and outside in. Yet, you know on a deeper level that this message is garbage. It simply is not true. From here you are torn as the cognitive dissidence soars.

Cognitive Dissidence and Verbal Abuse

"Cognitive dissidence" is a psychological term referring to the state of tension, evolving out from a disparity in belief and feeling and action. When these elements lack congruence, a stressful condition ensues. That is the cognitive dissidence.

The natural tendency for each of us is to reduce this stress by resolving the cognitive dissidence. Typically, what happens is the louder voice carries more weight during the resolution...at least initially.

For example, let's say the verbally abusive content shouted out by someone you perceive as in "authority" rings very, very loud. It's so loud that its vibrancy overshadows the more subtle experiential knowing that you feel...even though that feeling/knowing has more truth for you.

The net result is that on a superficial level you reduce the stress by buying into the message of the verbal abuse. But it doesn't stop here, because this resolution creates an even deeper layer of cognitive dissidence.

Eliminating the Toxicity of the Verbal Abuse

Superficially you may believe the toxic message, but at your core you know it is not your truth. When you can resolve the cognitive dissidence at this level, you can set yourself free from the toxic message of the verbal abuse.

Next time you find yourself chewing on a verbal attack showered upon you, step back and question its validity. Is it true? Can you really know it's true? How do you react when you hold that belief? Who and how would you be without that thought?

Underneath this inquiry called "The Work" is a higher truth that you know to be you. Now, here is the best part: It's always there for you to find. Just ask by challenging your beliefs until you find the one that is most stress-free...the one that brings with it inner peace.

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