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Walk-don't fall

By Eileen Edwards

Republish: EasyPublish™ Published: 24Apr2009 Word count: 1136 Viewed: 204 time(s) Get Free Content For Your Site

People frequently talk about falling in love. When we fall we often get hurt. As children falling in the playground we get bruised knees. In adulthood falling in love can lead to a broken heart. I would recommend walking into love as a better and safer course of action Two people walking into love take the steps together hand in hand checking out that they share the same feelings.

This is much preferable to one person dashing ahead only to find themselves out on a limb. This often happens in a falling in love situation. Our society has no success model for choosing a life partner so we understandably tend to follow what we see in the media. This invariably means abandoning thought in favour of romance and passion. I've got nothing against romance and passion; in fact I am very much for them. I simply believe and know from personal experience that relationships flow better when we add thought and common sense into the mix.

I see people of both sexes throw caution to the winds when it comes to romantic relationships, In business situations we are guided by guarantees, references and codes of good practice. When it comes to friendships we normally retain a sense of self- preservation. For example if someone we had only known for a few weeks asked us for a large loan we would at least proceed with caution no matter how much we enjoyed their company. This is not so in romantic relationships. I often hear how people undertake long journeys to meet potential partners who are not what they declare themselves to be, get into debt and other serious problems connected to romantic relationships.

These are usually intelligent people who simply needed to pause for thought before chasing a romantic dream that turned into a nightmare. I don't say this because I don't believe that people can have wonderful, happy, loving relationships. I certainly believe that they can by exercising a little caution. By so doing they will also avoid the negative consequences of being too eager to find love.

When we take any sort of journey we look out for signs to see that we are going in the right direction. We have an approximate idea of how long the journey is likely to take. We expect to pass certain landmarks at certain points along the route. This is very useful for two reasons. It tells us how long the journey will take. We are also able to check that we are still on route to our desired destination and haven't somehow missed our turning or ended up going in the wrong direction.

It's like that with relationships too when you know what signs to look for. Psychologist's research has shown that relationships, which lead to commitment generally, follow one of three possible patterns. Imagine looking at what I am about to describe on a graph or draw one if it helps you to understand the concept better.

Path one starts from the bottom of the graph and ascends quickly and steeply. This represents a situation where a couple meet and begin a romantic relationship that progresses speedily to commitment Path two rises slowly at first from the bottom of the graph and goes along steadily in a straight line not far from the bottom of the graph before taking off suddenly. This represents the situation where two people of the opposite sex meet initially as friends or colleagues before becoming romantically involved. It could happen like this both people work for the same company they get along well but no more. One day they share a taxi home from a meeting or company social event and realise that they are attracted to each other. They then begin a romantic relationship at which point the line on the graph takes off at a sharp angle. A jagged line illustrates the third path with peaks followed by valleys. This illustrates a couple who move towards and then away from each other. Although this can and does in some cases lead to the couple becoming life partners people with this pattern are more prone to divorce and partnership break ups than those with the other two patterns.

Having given a general picture of the territory people cover in moving towards commitment I'll now walk you through the stages so that you can see what to expect at which point in the relationship. Three to six months- these first heady weeks of new romance are something to be savoured. It's important to live in the moment and enjoy this time for what it is. It may or may not lead to you becoming life partners, but in any event you are having a great romantic adventure. With this attitude if you become each other's partners wonderful and if not you'll have fond memories of this lovely romantic interlude. We can only live in the now yet many people try to live in the future particularly when it comes to relationships. A worst-case scenario is that the relationship fizzles out without you having had a chance to enjoy it because you were too taken up in thinking about the future.

Three to six months-If it's purely infatuation it's likely to burn itself out in three months or less. Once you have passed the three months mark you can begin to think in terms of a relationship. Initially you probably found ways to express closeness in the private jokes that only you shared the pet names that you called each other and "our song". Closeness now begins to be expressed in deeper ways. You discuss things that are important to you strongly held beliefs, your childhood and family. He is the first person you want to tell your good news or bad news. You spend an increasing amount of time together. Begin to meet each other's friends and relatives and are seen as a couple.

Six months to one year- You choose to spend most of your free time together. You take up activities together, share holidays and trips. You talk increasingly about the future with implications of a shared future. Both sets of friends and relatives see you as an item. He's become your best friend as well as your lover.

One year to 18 months -Compared to seasons this is autumn. You met and started getting to know each other in spring, your relationship matured through the warmth of the summer. Now in autumn you start to enjoy the ripe fruit. For most people this is the time when commitment occurs. Couples move in together, engagements are announced, weddings are planned. Of course not everyone's relationship will follow this pattern but the majority do. Think of the couples you know how many of them have a pattern similar to this one?

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