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Love and Marriage

By Elsabe Smit

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Published: 11Jun2008
Word count: 1088
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We like ceremonies and celebrations. We scoff at ceremonies like coronations, inaugurations, society weddings and other public celebrations, but only after we had watched them, so that we can ridicule the detail. We silently place ourselves in the place of the main characters in the celebration, and wish for our own turn.

I remember when Prince Charles and Princess Diana got married. At the time I was working as a civil servant in South Africa. For one day, we were allowed to break all the rules. I had a portable television set in my office, and we gathered around it all day so that we would not miss even a tiny detail of the broadcast. This was years after South Africa became a republic, and we had no official ties with the royal family. It did not matter. We were caught up in the magic.

I recently heard about a man who spent that entire day in bed with his girlfriend, now his wife of many years. They obviously had their own magic going on that day.

In England the expression "getting a hat" means that a couple has decided to get married and it is time to prepare for a celebration, part of which is to buy a hat to wear to the ceremony.

Nowadays a wedding is preceded by months of planning and huge expenses. Everything has to be just right, and there are even mock weddings before the day so that every participant can remember their steps for the big moment.

Sadly, the cost of a traditional wedding and the emphasis on the legal aspects of the wedding put people off the idea of marriage. Add to that the high divorce rate and the negative emotions that go with divorce, and marriage becomes a lot less attractive.

A website that i refer to on my blog contains a lot of amusing and eye-opening information about the various traditions that go with the modern Christian wedding ceremony. Virtually nothing of the ceremony has anything to do with being Christian - or belonging to any other faith group.

Considering that marriage is not even mentioned in the Bible, it is interesting how much emphasis the churches and even some governments place on the institution of the Christian marriage as a means of controlling relationships.

Among all the fuss, we miss the point. Does it really matter what style the wedding dress is or which side the groom stands on? What difference will the honeymoon destination make to the ceremony, except to cause stress when the couple are probably already not quite keeping up with expectations?

What is far more important is the celebration of joy and happiness when two people find each other and decide to be a couple. And that does not need to be celebrated with pomp and ceremony.

There is the modern practice of dating many people and having no-strings-attached sex with various partners. As a friend of mine once put it, there is nothing wrong with good, happy, healthy sex, no matter who your partner is. That would not work for me, but who are we to judge one another? I once read somewhere a very cynical definition of love: when two people wake up together in the same bed in the morning and neither wants to leave, they have found love. Such occasions probably call for a minor celebration, but I wonder.

On the other hand, we have all seen couples that are radiant together. They clearly belong together and they want the world to know this. Now that is a celebration. I mean every time they are in the presence of others and their happiness spill over to other people, there is a celebration of love. Whether they ever get married or not becomes irrelevant.

I once had a colleague who had that kind of love with her husband. They both had successful careers and they had two lovely children. Because of discriminatory tax legislation, they had to pay a huge penalty for being married and successful. They got divorced and did not tell anybody. She confided in me a few years after the divorce and I wondered how she could be so matter-of-fact about this. This was when my own acrimonious divorce was still fresh in my mind.

Then she invited me to their house and I met her husband - and all became clear to me. They had been together for nearly thirty years, and they were still in love and acting like newly-weds. There were moments when nobody else existed for them in the room. I realised that what they had was a meeting of souls, and that the angels celebrate with them every time they are together. That is when I put in my order for a similar relationship, and the angels listened.

The union of two souls is a celebration. Does it matter whether the union is between a man and a woman, or between two people of the same sex in a relationship? Not for me.

And this union does not only happen between couples. I have seen the same thing with a teenage girl holding her mother's hand in the company of other adults. The girl was a stunningly beautiful, well adjusted young lady who was quite comfortable with expressing her obvious love for her mother in this way.

I have seen two sisters with very different characters embrace each other for no specific reason. And that was not a once-off occasion. Those sisters are both married women today and will still walk through the proverbial fire for each other.

I have a friend that has shared my path with me for over fifteen years now. We live on different sides of the world, grew up in vastly different cultures, and she smokes like a chimney, but I was with her when she waded through hell and she has been there for me during my worst and best times, often without question, sometimes with strong criticism, but always with love. The bond between us transcends all differences and our differences enrich our friendship.

And I am fortunate enough to be able to often associate with kindred spirits that radiate this kind of love. Namaste to all my free flying friends out there!

No document or ceremony can capture this kind of love, and when it happens to you, you will know, because the room will be full of angels. When you find such love, hold on to it.

Elsabe Smit is the author of the blog http://www.mypurpleblog.com" Spiritual interpretations of everyday life

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