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Insights and Solutions to Help Abusers and Victims

By Helene Rothschild

Republish: EasyPublish™ Published: 04Jun2009 Word count: 583 Viewed: 640 time(s) Get Free Content For Your Site

Why did Chris Brown lose control of his anger and severely abuse his girlfriend, Rihanna? The even more puzzling question is why did Rihanna choose to continue the relationship? Because they are famous, the world knows the shocking news. Unfortunately, their story is way too common across the globe. Hopefully, all the news coverage and revealing abuse of other famous people will bring new insights and solutions to this historical problem.

I recall seeing movies of cavemen times where the women were treated abusively by the men. There is evidence of this pattern continuing throughout the civilizations. I hope that we will not still be hearing about it in a hundred years from now. However, if we do not learn how to deal with our fears and anger that will probably be the case.

Anger is a secondary emotion. The primary emotions are fear, hurt and/or powerlessness. Anger covers up these painful feelings. It is preposterous that men are taught not to feel these emotions at an early age by others' reactions and modeling. Instead, they learn that, if they pretend not to feel scared or hurt, they are manly. Because they are brainwashed that only sissies cry and are scared, many men hide these basic emotions.

I recently heard a man on television comment negatively about Jason crying on "The Bachelor TV Show." What the spectator is really saying is that he does not believe he is a man if he, himself, cries. I have also heard many women say they were turned off by "sensitive men." If males cannot express their fears and hurts, they are likely to be passive or active aggressive. These angry actions cover up their emotional pain and are often the cause of verbal or physical abuse.

Why is abusive behavior passed down through the generations? The abusive fathers were usually abused children, and they likely learned from their fathers' behavior that is okay to hit your physically weaker loved ones. These men were also taught not to share their fears.

As far as the victimized women are concerned, they probably were abused by their fathers and watched their dads hurt their mothers. Logically, you would think that these women would be sure to pick a nice, kind partner unlike their father. Unfortunately, that is not usually the case, unless they had effective therapy and resolved their childhood issues.

Victims need to release the negative beliefs that: they are bad and deserve abuse; it is accepted behavior; they caused the negative behavior and need to fix the men. None of which is true. More likely, only a professional who knows how to get to the core issues can help their abusive partner.

Many female clients admitted to me that they went from one abusive relationship to another. When they finally came to therapy and healed their wounds from the past, they were able to attract healthy relationships.

It takes two people with high self-esteem and good communication tools to develop and maintain a healthy relationship. They need to know how to express their pain and anger constructively and resolve issues with win-win solutions.

In summary, we can stop abuse if we resolve the underlying causes, and teach what it takes to be emotionally healthy and to create safe, loving relationships. We can do many things to eliminate aggressive behavior and the willingness to be a victim of abuse. When we offer everyone the important tools for successful living, this will be a much better, safer world.

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