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The "Puppet Syndrome" Hurts All Relationships

By Helene Rothschild

Republish: EasyPublish™ Published: 18May2009 Word count: 672 Viewed: 715 time(s) Get Free Content For Your Site

Do you feel in control of your life? Or, do you feel like a puppet, because someone else is pulling your strings? Have you put yourself aside to play the male, husband or father, or female, wife or mother role you were taught by your parents and society? If you answered "Yes," to any of the questions, are you truly happy?

I discovered the "puppet syndrome" early in my practice as a Marriage and Family Therapist. When some of my clients were sharing their dilemmas, I had the image of a puppet. Since a picture is worth a thousand words, I asked them to imagine that they were a puppet and to look up to see who is pulling their strings. Their answers included their mothers, fathers, partners, bosses, friends or religious leaders. Sometimes, their children were even in control. Needless to say, these clients were not feeling very happy or fulfilled.

Why do we give our power to others? I believe that we are born with basic survival instincts. If we feel the only way we can be loved and taken care of is by pleasing our parents, we may put our true selves aside and be who they want us to be. We become people pleasers. That survival technique becomes part of our personalities and, even when we are adults, we continue to say and do what others want in order to be safe and accepted.

What are some of the typical responses of a puppet? "I'll be happy to do whatever you want to do." "I am okay with whatever you want." "Tell me what you decide, and I will be fine with your decision." "Whatever you say, I'll do." I imagine that all of us say these things sometimes. However, the difference is that we are telling our truth at the time. People who give their power to others are usually not likely to express what they are really feeling or want. They will pretend to be whom and how others want them to be.

Needless to say, these males and females who are controlled by their fears of survival are very unhappy and may suffer from depression. They are likely to numb their emotional pain with addictions. "Puppets" often have physical problems because they stuff their true feelings, including their anger and resentments. No one likes to be controlled! When they are miserable enough, they may go to therapy and uncover the causes of their deceptive behaviors. In severe cases, the men and women are not even in touch with their desires, if they are asked, because they buried them so deeply.

The healing for these people pleasers is to believe that they can express themselves in words and actions and be accepted, loved and safe. Then they can cut the "puppet strings" and be in control of their lives. They can feel comfortable making "I" statements, such as "I would like to go to this movie. I do not like that one."

Most people love being with pleasers, because they feel in control and get whatever they want. However, if you are "pulling the strings" of another person, you are likely to pay a price by experiencing their passive aggression. For example, they may be late, forget what you want them to remember, have affairs, or, to your surprise, one day file for divorce.

If someone tries to give me their power, I refuse to accept it and be in control. I say, "That does not work for me. Tell me what you really want, and let's come up with a win-win agreement." That feels better to me, because I want to be with equals. I also do not want to be boomeranged or clobbered later by their passive aggression behavior.

If you feel like a puppet, free yourself from the fears that you cannot be who you are and be accepted, loved or safe. Then, you will be a lot happier because the answer to the question, "Who is running your life?" will be you!

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