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Obamaball

By Howard Jacobs

Republish: EasyPublish™ Published: 08Aug2009 Word count: 1495 Viewed: 442 time(s) Get Free Content For Your Site

A speech from Barack Obama on the state of major league baseball...

Thank you all for being here. Today we face a crisis in baseball. We don't know which players are on steroids. Ticket prices have become unaffordable. Some teams have to get by with small payrolls while other teams have all the resources. The fans of poorer teams live in despair with no hope in the current season and no future to look forward to. The horrific state of baseball education has put us behind Japan and Korea in baseball knowledge and skills.

The state of baseball is a mess. Selfish needs of winning have been placed above the good of the sport. We have encouraged trickery and deception. Baseball has become a mean game. Starting today, owners, players and fans must ask themselves not what is good for their team but what is good for the sport.

I have worked with leaders of both parties on a plan to meet the most urgent challenges in baseball. This plan represents a new approach for the game. I understand that some might be skeptical. I get it. I do not want to run Major League baseball. I have enough to do running the banks, car manufacturers and oil companies. While Washington will do everything possible to prevent the catastrophic failure of Major League baseball, it will come with a clear understanding that government support for any team is an extraordinary action that must come with significant restrictions.

Only government can break the vicious cycles that have crippled the game. Baseball must set an example in creating a clean energy economy. By allowing only one night game per week, we could save as much energy as we'd gain by drilling in ANWAR. In addition, major league stadiums must immediately stop the wasteful practice of watering the field and the infield dirt.

Electronic scoreboards and video screens are also wasteful. I am recommending today that baseball return to the days of a person sitting inside a scoreboard manually changing the numbers. Not only will this help the environment, but it will create thousands of jobs. Ballparks must be retrofitted with windmills and solar panels so that to the extent that energy is used, it will all be self generated.

It is wasteful and bad for the environment that teams charter their own planes. Teams will need to travel on commercial flights. If a team is unable to get all its members on one flight then the team can travel in two or three different flights. I am proposing that major league rosters expand to 35 players. This way, more jobs will be created and it will be unlikely that the team will arrive at its scheduled game without enough players.

In baseball, only a few of the millions who try out get to play on the highest level. One of the causes of this is the curveball. There are players who have been stars in high school and in college. Yet when they try out for the major leagues, they are excluded because they are unable to hit this deceptive pitch. Baseball should not be about deception and exclusion. No more curveballs in baseball.

There are some pitchers who throw 95 MPH. Others throw at 87 MPH. Thus comes the need for trickery for the pitcher who, through no fault of his own, is unable to throw the ball as hard. Currently, the pitcher's mound is 60 ft, 6 inches from home plate. Starting today, there will be three rubbers on the pitcher's mound. For those pitchers who throw 93 MPH and harder, they will need to use the rubber that is 70 feet from home plate. Pitchers who throw the ball at 90 to 93 MPH get to use the current rubber of 60 feet, 6 inches. Those who are less fortunate can use the rubber that is 58 feet from home plate.

Not only will this policy create more jobs in baseball, eliminate the need for deceptive pitches such as the curveball, it will also eliminate the scourge of major league baseball -- steroids. There will be no need for any player to take steroids when the rules of the game don't reward the unjust advantages that some have over others -- there will be no need to seek dishonest advantages with artificial means.

Looking at other parts of the game -- Some players can hit a baseball 550 feet while others may top out at hitting it 350 feet. Players who are unable to hit a ball over 400 feet will be allowed to use metal bats. Players who attempt to steal a base or try to stretch a single into a double will be suspended. Stealing bases puts pressure on both pitchers and catchers and awards the accidental advantages that some players have for being faster than their cohorts.

With these rule changes, thousands of new jobs will be created. I am today putting forth an executive order that baseball expand from 30 to 46 teams in order to provide the necessary opportunities needed for all the new players.

I believe that baseball rules were motivated by a sincere desire to create a fair game. But I also believe that decisions were made based on fear rather than foresight; that all too often they tried to fit ideological predispositions. Instead of rules based on our principles, too often they set those principles aside as luxuries and too many of us -- players, coaches, owners, and fans -- fell silent. In other words, we went off course. And this is not my assessment alone. This assessment is shared by my Secretary of State, Hillary Clinton, who is a Yankees fan.

We have pitchers throwing inside at hitters with no regard for the bodily harm that the pitch might cause. We have runners trying to break up double plays going into second base without taking into account the well being of the shortstop or the second baseman. We have fans in different cities hating each other. Hatred and the desire to do harm have no place in the game of baseball. Tonight I seek a new beginning between the owners, players and fans; one based upon mutual interest and mutual respect; and one based upon the truth that the interests of different fans are not exclusive, and need not be in competition. Instead, they overlap, and share common principles -- principles of justice and progress; tolerance and the dignity of all human beings.

In stadiums around the country, fans boo players who make mistakes, players commit acts that can hurt one another. Sometimes they try to humiliate the other team. They do things such as bunt, which causes a third baseman to second guess himself. He wonders "Should I play in?" "Should I play back?" And if, in fact, the hitter bunts, the third baseman is forced to rush in to catch the ball, often without even enough time to catch the ball in his glove, he has to catch it with his bare hand and then try to throw it to first off balance and awkwardly, risking injury to himself and humiliation to his family. Today I am ordering the closing of any baseball stadium that allows these practices to continue.

For the reasons I just mentioned and many others, I am extremely proud today to appoint Al Gore as my new baseball czar. Mr. Gore will oversee the spending of money by major league teams. All expenditures by major league teams will need to be approved by my new czar. No team will be allowed to spend more than any other team and all signings of players and coaches, as well as hot dog vendors and ushers, will need approval from the baseball czar. The days of deception and cruelty in baseball are over. The days of the strong teams praying on the weak teams are over. People elected me for change, not to maintain the status quo. In baseball, the strong too often have dominated the weak, and too often those with speed, power, or the ability to throw harder or trick their associates have found all manner of justification for their own privilege in the face of the disadvantages of others.

I am proposing a win-win situation for baseball. I believe with every fiber of my being that in the long run we cannot return baseball to its former glory unless we enlist the power of our most fundamental values. I am going to make the game a beacon of environmental responsibility. I will eliminate the need for anyone to ever try steroids because the rules of the game do not encourage it. I will create hundreds of thousands of new jobs. I will create a game where fans in all cities have hope that their team can win a championship, where good will and mutual respect define the game, not hatred and the desire to do harm. How can anyone be against this plan? Thank you, God bless you, and God bless the United States of America.

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