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3 Ways to Free Yourself from the Pain of Envy

By Jeannette Samanen PhD

Republish: EasyPublish™ Published: 04Jan2010 Word count: 727 Viewed: 280 time(s) Get Free Content For Your Site

One of the ways we create pain is to compare ourselves unfavorably with others. You can always find someone who is thinner than you or who seems more successful or who has the things you want and despair of ever attaining.

When you envy the success or strengths of others, you lose by making yourself less than they are – and less than you are. When you focus on your limitations and what’s missing in your life, you undermine your confidence, self-esteem and happiness by losing sight of your strengths and the blessings you enjoy.

Here are three ways you can free yourself from the pain you create when you envy others:

1. Don’t Compare Your Insides with Their Outsides

If you see someone who seems to have it all or who has something you desperately want, remember that you do not know what is going on inside their life. It can be easy to assume that another person has it made. The truth is that we all have challenges that we’re dealing with.

Most of us keep our anxieties and pain out of sight. We put a positive spin on things for the outside world to see. Your own insecurities or unhappiness are familiar to you. You have no way of knowing what is going on inside another person.

Once a client struggling with weight control expressed envy of the attractive woman she saw leaving my office. I thought to myself, “If you only knew that the person you just saw is dealing with the recent suicide of her husband, you might not see the situation the same way.”

2. The Grass is Always Greener on the Other Side of the Fence

The truth is that every situation has its plus points and its minus points. It’s easy to idealize the other person’s situation when they have something you’d like but don’t have. Any time you think to yourself, “If only I had what that person has, I’d be happy,” you’re overlooking the totality of the situation.

For years we have rented a house at the shore for two or three weeks in August. For many of those years I allowed house envy to eat away at me, undermining my enjoyment of our time at the beach. I’d look at houses and think to myself how great it would be to own them. I’d see the families who were able to spend the entire summer on the beach and wished I could be one of them. I’d spend hours trying to figure out ways we might swing it: maybe if we got a fixer-upper, maybe if we rented it out most of the time…

Then I talked with an owner. I gained a different perspective when I learned about the headaches of maintaining a second home, the crippling tax burden of shore property, the reluctance to travel and leave the expensive beach house vacant, and the feeling that endless guests derive more enjoyment from the house than the owners themselves. I came away from this conversation appreciating the benefits of renting. I have enjoyed our shore vacations more, now that I’m free of house envy.

3. Focus on What You Do Have, Not What You Don’t

Comparing yourself unfavorably to others puts the focus on what you don’t have. When you focus on what you do have, you become more aware of what is working in your life. Recognizing the importance of your own gifts or accomplishments will boost your confidence and improve your self-esteem.

The differences between you and the other person do not define you. They are just one aspect of the situation. Though others may have a desirable trait that you lack, you certainly have strengths that others might envy. Though others may have achieved a goal that continues to elude you, there are surely other areas in your life where you enjoy success.

If you find yourself comparing yourself to others, experience gratitude for your strengths and successes. This more balanced perspective will help you to feel better.

If you find yourself falling into the trap of envying others, remember these tips. By letting go of envy and focusing on the positives in your life, you’ll experience greater confidence, happiness, and self-esteem, which will help make your good life better.

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