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Dealing with Emotional Trauma - The Psychology of Divorce

By Joe Devine

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Published: 10Mar2008
Word count: 638
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In addition to being a legal and financial battle, a bitter divorce is also known for being an extremely taxing emotional ordeal. In fact, the emotional toll of a adversarial divorce is sometimes compared to the experience of losing a close friend or loved one.

People who attempt to help their friends deal with difficult situations such as bereavement or divorce are often puzzled by their apparent inability to communicate with their grieving friend. In many cases, well-meaning people are rebuffed by shows of despair or anger which leave them feeling intimidated, unappreciated, or bitter. The problem is that people fail to understand the psychology behind emotional traumas such as divorce.

According to modern psychology, people who experience severe emotional trauma undergo five stages of responses to the situation.

The First Stage: Denial

This stage is fairly well-known by both the popular media and culture. Unfortunately, people who are "in denial" are more frequently mocked or parodied than understood or sympathized with. The truth is that the denial stage is a very real, very normal response to emotional trauma that does not deserve the trivialization it receives in the popular media. People in the denial stage are attempting to deal with their problems through simple avoidance. Because denying a problem allows people to "resolve" the issue without ever facing it, it is usually the first response that occurs.

The Second Stage: Anger

At some point, people realize that they can no longer just ignore the issues. For example, a divorcing spouse will eventually recognize that their marriage is falling apart. During this stage, the spouse will become very hostile anytime the issue of their divorce is brought up. They will blame their spouse, their family, God, outside influences - in short, everything and anything outside of themselves. To someone on the outside, this stage often appears irrational and ungrateful, especially to people who find their attempts at sympathy met with angry outbursts. It is important to realize, however, that the angry response is not intended to be a personal attack; it is, instead, a progression in the way the divorcee is handling the situation.

The Third Stage: Bargaining

Once a person enters the third stage, they stop blaming other people or outside forces for their predicament, and instead start looking for ways to "fix" the situation. They propose irrational or implausible deals in order to save their marriage: "I'll do _____ your way if we can just stay together." While the promises made in the third stage sound good on paper, the reality is that they will rarely be carried out in practice.

The Fourth Stage: Depression

The blame game comes full circle in the fourth stage. Having tried and failed to save their marriage in the bargaining stage, the spouse begins to blame themselves for what has happened. They shut out people and feel strong self-pity and self-loathing. Although the extreme feelings triggered in the depression stage can be warning signs in some cases, in most situations this is stage is merely the lead-up to a final resolution.

The Final Stage: Acceptance

It may take a long time, depending on the person, but he or she will eventually come to accept what has happened in his or her life. At this point, the spouse has worked their way through four incomplete and unsatisfactory responses to emotional trauma, and it is the result of these experiences that gives them the ability to understand and accept the changes in their life. This is the stage in which a divorced couple can speak about the divorce without anger or bitterness, and may even be able to resume a normal relationship.

Divorce is a complicated matter, both legally and emotionally. Every case and every person is different and must be dealt with on a specific, individual basis.

Joe Devine For more information, visit http://www.slaterkennon.com .

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