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Stop self-sabotage of your goals with emotional intelligence and the power of choice

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Published: 17Jan2010
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Another year, same failed goals?

In some classes I teach, I ask participants to make a list of what they most wish were different in their life - The things they would most like to change. Then I ask them to raise their hands if they have ever wanted any of these things before - last year, two years ago or ever. Invariably they all answer yes.

Whether you call them New Year's resolutions or just goals, chances are that one of the things you say you want keeps showing up on your wish list but somehow you never seem to achieve it.

You know what I mean. You say you want more balance but your work schedule is as overwhelming as ever. You say want better working relationships but you have more conflict than harmony. You say you want to be more fit but you never seem to find time for the gym or the secret to your ideal weight. Or you say this is the year you will be more confident but you never seem to be able to assert yourself. Stop for a moment and recognize what keeps showing up on your list.

Now relax and don't beat yourself up. You are in good company. We all have some key issue that we never seem to make progress on. So how do you get past the stuck place and how can emotional intelligence help?

Getting unstuck is dead simple and requires these four things: Tell, Stop, Start and Keep. Tell yourself the truth. Stop doing something. Start doing something different. Keep doing it until you have a new habit.

So where does emotional intelligence come in? Every one of these steps is going to strongly stimulate your emotions. How you deal with these emotions will determine your results. If you ignore, deny or act out your emotions you will be blind to self-sabotage and limited to getting more of the same. If you develop more emotional self-awareness and learn to use this awareness to make new choices and take new actions you can get free.

Tell Yourself The Truth
The first thing to do is acknowledge, with great compassion and total self-acceptance, that what you have right now you have chosen. "Oh no," you say, "This is not what I want. I would never choose this." That is what Suzanne, my leadership coaching client said to me when talking to me about what she described as being financially disorganized. "Oh yes you would," I said. "How do I know? Because it is what you have."

Suzanne fought this idea for a while, as you may be doing right now. She had a belief that she should be able to manage her money properly, and if she didn't she was being a bad person - someone her family would have rejected. She couldn't stand the way she felt when she thought she had chosen her present condition. When she experienced and accepted her feelings of sadness without beating herself up, she was able to acknowledge her choice. That finally gave her the freedom to discover other choices.

She finally told herself the truth that she was not good at handling finances and didn't like to do it. She hired a bookkeeper, removed this item from her wish list and started enjoying life more.

Remember this: To choose something new, you must choose what you have already chosen.

What can you accept about yourself that will free you to make new choices?

Stop Doing Something
Oh gosh. You have been told this a thousand times by others - "If you do what you have always done, you will get what you have always gotten." So we know that, but why do we keep on doing things that don't work for us? Why does my coaching client, Mark, keep overworking furiously when he insist he wants balance in his life? Why do you continue to do things that don't work for you?

You, like Mark and me and others, have big investments in our self image and in our life style. As the late Thomas Leonard, considered to be the father of coaching, said, "People get wedded to a lifestyle, and it's very hard to break those bonds, and most people simply aren't willing to make the change. Often, it takes a certain level of pain, but low-level frustration isn't generally enough for someone to make that leap."

If you are not ready and willing now, at least tell yourself the truth about that and take that goal off your list. You will gain more freedom and peace of mind.

Emotionally what keeps people stuck in doing things is that they are trying to avoid how they will feel if they stop. If you are really ready, you could start by asking yourself. "What don't I want to feel? Then feel your feelings and accept yourself. That will create more freedom and new possible choices. While this step is simple, it is not necessarily easy. It takes great commitment. Getting help in stopping would be a great reason to hire an emotional intelligence coach.

What can you stop doing right now that will take you closer to your goal?

Start Doing Something New
Choose one new and different behavior that will take you closer to your goal. Make it simple enough and easy enough to do so that you can and will continue.

Here's where your loyalty to old ideas and your resistance to change will kick in and where a lot of people succumb to self-sabotage. Your mind will give you countless reasons and justifications for staying the way you are. "It's too hard." "I didn't really want this." "I'm not good enough, I'm just kidding myself." "It's too cold to go to the gym." Etc.

You will really need to manage your emotions here. Your ever faithful mind is trying to help you not to feel your frustration or your fear. Tell your mind "Thank you for sharing," feel your feelings, and keep on doing that new behavior - That exercise, that time off for yourself, that time to understand someone else. You can do it.

What new behavior can you start that will take you closer to your goal?

Keep On Keeping On
Learning and behavioral experts tell us that if you continue a behavior for thirty days you can make it a habit. Neuroscience has established that your brain is plastic and ever growing. You can literally rewire your neural circuitry and establish new pathways in your brain.

Here's the secret to your successful change: Let go of old limiting habits and replace them with new ones that create freedom and possibility.

Don't Forget To Celebrate
Congratulate yourself on your victories. Your goals may change and you may end up with a different result than what you originally thought, and that is not failure. Whatever you accomplish is worthy of your acknowledgment. Failure is not playing the game.

To your success and happiness,

Joseph Liberti

Joseph Liberti, founder of EQ At Work, is creator of True You Coaching, a method that enables people to become more authentically confident, effective and happy by using emotional intelligence and the power of choice. The coaching program combines multi-media learning with live private coaching for life-changing results at a fraction of the cost of traditional coaching. Learn more and get his free goal setting kit at www.trueyoucoaching.com

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