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FINDING YOUR FOOTING (even when the ground has moved)

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Published: 14May2009
Word count: 915
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Have you ever had a time where you were just thrown into a place of panic or worry about your child? Where you could barely function because all you could do was think about this thing or that thing that was going on in his or her life? Where you felt like a complete and total failure as a parent?

Well, this happened to me... not too long ago.

We got some concerning information about my daughter's health and as a result, my world came to a complete STOP. That news threw me into a tailspin, as I'm sure it might do to any mom. And, in addition to hearing it with my "mom ears", I heard it through my own "filter" which is peppered with old stuff around loss and pain and fear of loss. (Ahh...just when I thought I had worked through it - BAM! There it is again!)

And not only was I stuck in my fear-based thoughts, but I felt like a failure. Here I was, someone who knows (and teaches!) about emotional and physical health and wellbeing, and my own daughter's health was suffering. And my own emotional equilibrium was on shaky ground! Even I - who thought I could control everything scary with a healthy diet (yes, it's ok to laugh) - was not able to control what was happening.

As I continued to fall into a tailspin and let fear take over, I tried even harder to control EVERYTHING. And the more I tried to control everything, the more anxious I got, and the more irritated my daughter got with me. Not a pretty cycle. (It's easy to see how mothers and daughters get into a fear -control-rebellion cycle).

And then it hit me: "I am making myself crazy, and I am probably making my daughter crazy" (no matter how hard we try to hide our "stuff" from them, we can't. They know EVERYTHING - even if they don't hear it in words). And not only was I making both of us more anxious, I was also disrupting our connection, which is the most valuable thing we each have with our children.

I knew that I had to settle into a more peaceful, trust-filled, place so I could tune into my intuition, support my daughter, and help us both have confidence in her wellbeing.

As life continues to present us with challenges, whether it's around a health concern for our child, or our kid's being bullied, or our child is struggling with learning, or we are panicked about swine flu, our job is always the same: for us to find our CENTER so we can be present for ourselves and, in turn, our children.

Here's what I did:

1) I had to relax and shift my feelings and my energy. (My negative energy was definitely seeping out all around me and affecting my family). For me, I find deep breathing, meditating and listening to relaxing music very helpful. (Click here for some great guided meditations for stress). What do you do to relax and shift your energy?

2) I also had to find a "safe space" where I could share my feelings and be completely supported. I am so grateful to have a number of treasured friends who I could turn to and who could support me, helping to keep me centered and grounded. Where do you go to feel completely understood and supported?

3) I had to begin to shift my thoughts in a more helpful direction, rather than in the direction of doom and gloom. I also know that shifting our own thoughts has a powerful effect on our children. Ever observe your own thoughts? Are they depressing and critical and worrisome, or supportive and hopeful?

4) I also had to realize that I ultimately don't have any real control over my daughter's "destiny" (although I sure wish I did!). Yes, I am her mother and it's my job to help keep her safe and healthy; to support her health and wellbeing, and offer guidance, connection and unconditional love. But the truth is: Hannah is going to be who Hannah is going to be. Her body is going to do what it's going to do, and THE BEST thing I can do for her, is to stay CENTERED AND GROUNDED myself, so I can be present and connected to her. It is from this place, too, that I can best know what she needs.

So why am I telling you all this? As scary as it is to be so vulnerable, I wanted you to know that we ALL struggle sometimes; we all get pulled and pushed off-center, into a sea of confusion or worry or anxiety. By sharing our struggles, we find can our way back to a safe, centered place.

And what I know is true for me, is also true for you:

You don't have to be perfect (REALLY), you don't have to know what to do all the time, and you don't have to turn cartwheels or backflips to be a good mom. What your children need most from you is to take extraordinarily good care of yourself - and stay connected to yourself - so you can continue to be truly present for your them. True honest connection, and being seen for who they are, is what your children want from you, beyond all else.

Sooo.... The question of the day is: What brings you back to your center when you've lost your footing?

Karen Schachter, a psychotherapist and coach, is committed to helping girls and women find peace, nourishment and wellbeing with food and their bodies. To receive her FREE Special Report: 7 Secrets To Having The Relationship With Food You've Always Wanted, go to http://www.healthybodieshappyminds.com

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