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Establishing Boundaries With Your Former Spouse

By Len Stauffenger

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Published: 22Feb2009
Word count: 486
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A boundary is a limit that you get to set. It says quite clearly: This Far and No Farther! Your boundaries will protect you. They tell people how you want to be treated; what you will listen to in a conversation; up to what time they can call you at night; what your preferences are, and basically, how you are going to protect your mind and your body.

Setting boundaries has to be done first, inside your own mind, and will help you to stand up for yourself. Frequently, when you set boundaries inside your own mind, if they are firm enough there, they might not even have to be spoken. Sometimes, your ex assumes that he/she knows you and your wishes, wants and desires and they might just not have an accurate take on your boundaries, so in this instance, you might have to establish boundaries that are more firm, as in speaking them aloud or writing them down.

From the day you separated from your ex, you began to change and you are no longer that individual he/she lived with, knew and loved. You've become someone different and they no longer know you. They only know the you that you used to be. So you have to communicate your new boundaries to him or her. I know that this can be an emotional gut wrencher, and it must be done.

To remove the emotion that causes the gut wrenching before you communicate your boundaries to your ex, write them down for yourself. Talk them over with a friend, a supportive parent or pastor. Revise them until they are totally reasonable to you. If you are not able to tell your ex face to face about your boundaries, read them to him over the telephone. This will give you some distance and help you to remain objective. It is 100% okay for you to demand that your boundaries be adhered to. This will help others to respect you and for you to respect yourself.

Your boundaries might involve consequences. You might have to tell them that they have violated one of your boundaries. You may have to spell out the consequences. Remember, you are honoring yourself (and frequently your children) when you do this.

Here are some sentences you can use to help yourself establish boundaries:

My ex may no longer .....

I'm entitled to ask that my ex does ....

I don't like how I feel when my ex ....

Self-protection, and the protection of your children, is a habit of mind. It's gaining a mind set that says "I am not vulnerable. You may not accost me or my children." It might feel like empty words when you first say them - when you first take a stand with establishing boundaries. Eventually, you'll get more comfortable with them. And still later, you'll have those boundaries well established and wonder how you ever lived without them.

In his book "Getting Over It: Wisdom for Divorced Parents," Len Stauffenger shares his simple wisdom gleaned from his divorce with his daughters and with you. Len is a Success Coach and an Attorney. You can purchase Len's book and it's accompanying workbook at http://www.wisdomfordivorcedparents.com

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