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Your Children Didn't Ask for Your Divorce

By Len Stauffenger

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Published: 22Oct2008
Word count: 688
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You'll never read any words from my pen that indicate that divorce is just "jolly good fun." It isn't. It's painful. Nobody on this earth thinks "Gosh, wouldn't it just be great to get a divorce?" No, we'd slog thru mud up to our necks to avoid it.

And yet, divorce continues to happen. We're decimated by it and we're adults! Imagine that with all of our years of living, all of our education, and all of our experience we are pushed low by divorce. Can you imagine what very little education, very little experience, very little living does for our children when they have to go through a divorce with us?

Divorce is horrible for children. We are our children's caretakers. Their needs must come first. It's awfully nice if there is both a mom and a dad to care for the children. But when a divorce makes that impossible, their needs must still come first and the parents must make their welfare a priority.

Children need a mommy and daddy they can trust. Squabbling between parents is just too difficult for a growing-up child to endure and it wounds them emotionally. Please consider not fighting with their mommy or daddy in front of them. Please consider not badmouthing their other parent in front of them. Please be there for them 24/7. If your ex has a tendency not to be there, write him a note and explain how you see this affecting his children and could he please plan to be there for them?

Together with your ex, write a Parenting Plan that you can both agree upon. If the communication between you is completely deteriorated, let your attorneys communicate this plan. Both of you should have input into creating it and tweaking it until it suits both of you. The internet contains many ideas to be incorporated into a Parenting Plan. Discuss the feasibility of sharing your Parenting Plan with your children's caregivers or babysitters.

When you first decide that you have to get a divorce, craft a way to telling your children without placing blame on either you or your soon-to-be ex. This kind of news is not easily absorbed by your children because they don't handle change well if they are quite young. And this change is life altering. Give them time to absorb it. Revisit the discussion and try to help them to understand how necessary it is, even if you aren't happy about it yourself. Work toward a way you can all live with the fact that a divorce is going to happen, like it or not.

After the divorce, explain the court agreement as simply as possible to your children. They won't appreciate the legality of it, but they want to know how it's going to affect them. Make a list of those things and let them ask lots of questions. When you answer them, work hard not to place any sense of blame on their other parent.

Don't force your children to take sides. They deserve to have a mommy and a daddy if that is at all possible. Allow them to have and enjoy a relationship with your ex even if you don't. Try to keep their needs at the top of your list.

Most kids have fears that somehow they caused the divorce, that they're going to be abandoned too, or that something painful will happen to them as well. Be empathetic when you listen to their questions and continue to ask questions of them until you feel that their fears have disappeared. They'll be losing a key member of their family from the home. They'll be gaining a new step family. There's a lot of trauma involved in this for kids and they deserve to have their fears addressed.

At this link http://www.divorcesource.com/info/checklists/childbehavior.shtml you will find an assessment tool to see how your child is faring through this painful process. It can help you help them through their sadness and sense of loss.

In his book "Getting Over It: Wisdom for Divorced Parents," Len Stauffenger shares his simple wisdom gleaned from his divorce with his daughters and with you. Len is a Success Coach and an Attorney. You can purchase Len's book and it's accompanying workbook at http://www.wisdomfordivorcedparents.com

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