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Don't Do Q&A Sessions After a Weekend With Your Ex

By Len Stauffenger

Republish: EasyPublish™
Published: 07Nov2008
Word count: 601
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When your children come home from a weekend with your ex, don't subject them to a grueling Question and Answer session. This puts them into a very uncomfortable situation: they love that person you just divorced. They are uncomfortable that you no longer love him or her. They don't really understand that. They want to love you both.

When you ask questions, your children know they are leading questions. They know that if they don't answer them appropriately, one of their parents loses the kids' vote and they don't want to cause this kind of hurt for you. So if you want to know stuff about that cheap floozie he's dating now, ask him not your children. Don't put your child in the middle of these sick adult games.

Putting your child's welfare before your own may be the very thing that helps you to mature into adulthood. Your children deserve your consideration and your love, and asking pointed questions that makes the child's answer serve as a vote for one side or the other is not adult. I think it criminal to put your child into such a difficult position. Your divorce was not the fault of your children. (You have told them this, right? You have had discussions about this, right? They know their school grade or the condition of their room had nothing to do with the divorce, right?)

It's okay to ask questions about the child's welfare: did they get enough to eat? was there a good place fixed for them to sleep? what time did they go to bed? was there somewhere they could get their homework done? was time set aside for homework? Not "What did daddy's new True Love fix for dinner?" You get the gist.

This time spent with their other parent shouldn't be labeled "visiting." They aren't just visiting - they are living with them, and they have as much of a right to live with each of you. Try not to label it a visit vs. living.

Give them lots of hugs when they come home. Tell them you thought about them when they were gone. Let them know what you did with your free time during their visit to mommy's new apartment. Ask questions about their activities so you can re-celebrate the fun they had with them.

If the parent they are visiting is wealthier than you are, and if they spend more money on the children than you can, don't make them feel guilty about that, even if you feel guilty yourself. Be as generous as you can and try to enjoy what they are enjoying without making comparisons.

Don't encourage or tolerate the children talking negatively about the other parent or his new spouse. This fosters alienation and disrespect. Listen carefully and if there are legal issues that need addressing, seek legal means; but don't involve the children in this.

Don't act hurt or betrayed if your child says he had a good time at Daddy's this weekend. Try to show more maturity. Talk about your feelings of hurt with a counselor not your children.

The way you handle your children's weekend with your ex will help you to mature and it will help them to foster self-sufficiency, self-love and a sense of security within themselves. Be generous. Generosity generates more good for you, so you have nothing to lose by being generous and not pumping your kids for information. Divorce is tough enough without that.

In his book "Getting Over It: Wisdom for Divorced Parents," Len Stauffenger shares his simple wisdom gleaned from his divorce with his daughters and with you. Len is a Success Coach and an Attorney. You can purchase Len's book and it's accompanying workbook at http://www.wisdomfordivorcedparents.com

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