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Never Make Your Child Choose Which Parent He Likes Best

By Len Stauffenger

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Published: 10Apr2009
Word count: 644
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The ugly face of divorce brings ugly little gifts for both the divorcing parents and their children. I figure that the divorcing parents are adults and can work more easily to resolve what's being hoisted upon them. But the children are little innocents, and from my experience, the children should be buffered from the ugly little gifts as much as is humanly possible. They'll figure things out when they become adults and that is soon enough.

From the perspective of a child, let's walk a while in his moccasins. He was born into a two-parent home and he sees that as "the norm." In his early childhood development years, change is very challenging for him. He's trying to stabilize himself into this new life experience and there is a lot to handle. He needs to find out who he is; how to function here; who each of his parent's is; how to get along with them; who members of the family are and how to be with them; where his toys belong; what time naps have to happen; what food he likes and doesn't like; which kids won't bop him in the head. It's just a whole lot for an immature mentality to embrace in a few short years.

And now, he's being told that mommy or daddy won't be there any more, or will be there less often. This is horribly disturbing for a young mentality. If mommy and daddy have been fighting, his nerves are like exposed electrical wires, and this is just a very tough burden for one so small. I'm not leaving out the children of older ages; I'm just focusing on younger ones. They're all affected.

So, he may have had to get used to a different school schedule if custody is being shared. He's had to get used to two different home environments. He's got a new home schedule to juggle. In the back of his mind lives this thought "Daddy/Mommy isn't here anymore. No more hugs when he/she comes home from work. No kisses good night. What did I do wrong?" You can talk until your own face turns blue, but that "What did I do wrong?" thought does niggle your child to one degree or another.

Are we firmly in his moccasins by now? Okay, let's add to that one more ugly gift. You, from your own immature sense, ask him in subtle ways to love you more than his other parent. You bug him with the kinds of questions that make him say his other parent falls short in one way or another; has a lousy new significant other; doesn't keep the new apartment clean enough; loses the child/s clothes; doesn't show up on time. You know the scenario because you are living it.

I'm going to ask you NOT to make your child choose between you and his other parent. Please step up to the maturity plate here and allow that other parent to be whoever they are, do whatever they do, and say whatever they say without your child being shown how less-than they are so that your child will love you more. Please consider learning how to love yourself without this input from your child. It's an adult behavior and your child deserves this behavior from you. This small, subtle consideration will be viewed as love when your child matures, but you will know what you did and what reasons you had for doing it, and that should be enough.

Children want to be able to love both of their parents. Please create a harmonious, non-manipulative environment to help them do that. They were innocent going into your divorce and should remain innocent learning to live with it.

In his book "Getting Over It: Wisdom for Divorced Parents," Len Stauffenger shares his simple wisdom gleaned from his divorce with his daughters and with you. Len is a Success Coach and an Attorney. You can purchase Len's book and it's accompanying workbook at http://www.wisdomfordivorcedparents.com

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