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Learning About Relationships To Prevent Your Second Divorce

By Len Stauffenger

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Published: 10May2009
Word count: 608
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When we are young, we are inexperienced and just not savvy when it comes to building quality relationships. We base our decisions on reasons that are subtly buried inside ourselves, and we avoid looking at the clues that are right in front of us. I, for one, decided to marry my wife out of a decision I wasn't even consciously aware of.

After my divorce, I went to see a psychologist and I gave her the background and then I asked her, "I want to know what I did wrong." I'd see her every once in a while for about six months. We'd talk, explore things, and then it all came together. It all clicked.

One day she told me, "You're a strong man, so weaker women are attracted to you." By weaker she meant insecure. We all know people who are insecure and the more insecure they are, the less fun they are to be around. They tend to project their insecurities on other people.

I'm not a psychologist, but I got it. I learned something about me. I looked back and realized I dated many women who were insecure. I realized that my role in it was that on some level, my ego enjoyed the fact that they needed me.

From that time forward, I was more aware of the decision that prompted me to marry my first wife and how to choose better to prevent that second divorce.

There are lots of factors that can play into why you make the decisions you do, and there are lots of ways to recognize when your spouse is cheating on you. Here is a list of clues for you:

- There are missing chunks of time in his schedule

- The reasons given for the missing chunks doesn't ring true inside you

- You no longer spend the same amount of quality time together

- You are discouraged from ever answering their cell phone

- He/she doesn't want to have sex with you any more (or as often)

- He/she doesn't say loving things to you

- His/her blink rate increases when they talk to you.

Now this last one deserves some explaining as the rest are pretty obvious. When an individual has a very slow blink rate, this is often a sign that he or she has a fear of abandonment. "If I close my eyes, you'll be gone!" When an individual has a very fast blink rate, this is often a sign of engulfment, and is frequently a sign that they are lying. "If I close my eyes, you'll go away and I won't have to deal with you."

Sometimes, when an individual is lying, he/she cannot look at you at all. This is a similar version of the rapid eye blink symbol. If he touches his face, behind his ears etc with his hands, this is another symbol of lying. He would never touch his heart while lying. When guilty, your spouse will become defensive. An honest person takes the offensive stance. Sometimes, an answer is delayed when the person is lying. Women lie to make others feel good. Men lie to make themselves look good. Police use eye blink rates and eye movement to tell when someone is lying. You should be so savvy yourself in order to prevent yet another divorce.

There's an old saying that "Winners never cheat and cheaters never win." There's a lot of truth in that old proverb. Once your trust is destroyed by the lying of your spouse, it's very difficult to conjure it up again.

In his book "Getting Over It: Wisdom for Divorced Parents," Len Stauffenger shares with you the simple wisdom gleaned from his divorce and from the raising of his daughters. Len is a Success Coach and an Attorney. His is a heartfelt, visionary story of the success at the end of his divorce journey. You can purchase Len's book and it's accompanying workbook at http://www.wisdomfordivorcedparents.com

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