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Getting Continuity With Your Ex about Your Kid's Behavior

By Len Stauffenger

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Published: 08Jan2009
Word count: 454
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Do your children come home from a weekend with your ex in an altered state? Do you wonder if they've experienced a close encounter of the third kind? Are their behaviors drastically different than during the time when they live with you?

It's important for your children that you discover the whys of this behavioral change. Is he not getting any discipline when he's away from you? Is he neglected and left to his own devices at your exs? Is he abandoned while your ex chases a new skirt? Or if he's staying with mommy, is she watching TV or absorbed in a novel while the kid runs rampant? Or is the child indulged to a point beyond spoiling and given everything he wants when he's visiting the ex?

Your child deserves continuity. This means that the rules should be the same at both dad and mom's house. Have a chat (out of earshot from your child) with your ex about continuity. Don't be blaming or making him/her feel guilty. Simply work toward what is best for your child and know that each of you wants that. Talk about each behavior you see that comes home to you in an altered state and communicate with your ex about how to prevent it for the sake of the child's continuity and emotional stability. You ex may not agree with you, but at least you will know that you did address the issue for the sake of your child.

Now of course, each household will reflect the persona of the mom or the dad and they cannot be precisely identical for the sake of the child's continuity. You might just have to allow your kid a few hours grace while he adjusts back into your way of doing things when he comes home from your ex's home. The kid's change in behavior is most likely to be expected, so cut them a little slack, and remember that they are still dealing with the idea that the two of you are divorced and they don't have themselves wrapped around that idea fully yet. These visits bring up that idea all over again, so be patient and understanding while they adjust to being back at your home again.

If your ex thinks that allowing your kids to eat junk food, party hearty while they are with him with no consideration for bedtimes, and if your conversations with him about this have been ineffective, then here's a comforting thought that I'd like to leave you with: Eventually (when they mature) your kids will recognize the difference and will applaud you for your value-driven decisions.

In his book "Getting Over It: Wisdom for Divorced Parents," Len Stauffenger shares his simple wisdom gleaned from his divorce with his daughters and with you. Len is a Success Coach and an Attorney. You can purchase Len's book and it's accompanying workbook at http://www.wisdomfordivorcedparents.com

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