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Pitfalls in Building Relationships, Commitment and Love - Starting With D

By Levi Reiss

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Published: 03May2009
Word count: 434
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We continue this series suggesting how to avoid many pitfalls in building interpersonal relationships, whether with family, coworkers, friends, or that special someone. Committed, loving relationships do not just happen. You may know that there is no success secret, no checklist of things to do, and just as important things not to do to make such relationships happen. But we do have many suggestions that focus on potential problems. We center on defensive, demanding, and dogmatic.

D is for defensive. Don't do that. People find it offensive when you are defensive. If they criticize your actions explain why you did what you did, and why you suggested what you suggested. But don't go into a defensive mode. Equally important, don't start attacking others. In both such cases the subject quickly transforms from your actions or suggestions to you the person, and frankly, you don't want that.

D is for demanding. I want, I want, I want. Some people are never satisfied. They feel they should have whatever their neighbor has, if not more. The real issue becomes one of control, rather than obtaining the actual objects or services. How often have you seen a child, or perhaps someone older, respond to receiving what they wanted with a mumbled thank you followed by adding an item to their wish list? Obviously, there is no satisfying such people. An additional issue is how you phrase your demands. Instead of bluntly stating I demand, why not add a little sugar coating to the pill and say, I would like? In this case you reduce the probability of putting people into a defense mode.

D is for dogmatic. Don't pretend that your opinion is the be all and the end all of any subject. This goes for office talk, family talk, or political discussions. Believe it or not, there are other points of view in addition to your own. Even great scientists have found out that their momentous discoveries did not close a subject, but rather opened it for future study. They were only on the way to the TRUTH rather than holders of the TRUTH. What happens when two dogmatists butt heads? I think most onlookers would really like to see them butting heads. The most interesting scene is when two dogmatists discover that they are 99% in agreement. Before long they will focus on the measly 1% that separates them and you'll hear something like, "You, my friend, are completely wrong." A final thought on dogmatism. As a dogmatic parent you are likely to have dogmatic children. That's the good news. Can you guess what's the bad news?

Levi Reiss teaches computer and Internet classes in an Ontario French-language community college. He wrote ten computer and Internet books and now builds web sites. He is particularly proud of his new English and French (with translations) love and relationships site celebrating mostly spiritual and on occasion physical love at www.loveamourlove.com. His global wine website www.theworldwidewine.com features a weekly column reviewing $10 wines.

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