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The Top Ten Reasons I Hate Wine - Nine, Those Colors

By Levi Reiss

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Published: 03Apr2009
Word count: 471
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In spite of the title I really do love wine and food from Italy, France, Germany, and other countries as well. And who among us can reject a bargain? But I also hate wine and many aspects of the wine scene. Let me explain my top ten reasons for this love-hate relationship. Previous articles discussed the unconscionable expense, the embarrassing lack of knowledge, no wine cellar, I can't get the ... bottle opened, insomnia, food problems, wine snobs, and the smells and tastes of wine. This article discusses wine colors.

I am running very close to 100% in basic identification of reds and whites, with only an occasional error for roses. But how on earth do people manage to describe twelve shades of red, including brick, garnet, cherry, and prune? And in the circles I run in, or try to run in, describing a white wine's color as simply white, makes you out to be a bit of an oaf. Perhaps I should say, lout, fool, ignoramus...

It gets worse. We are told that the color unlocks the secrets of the wine's parentage and upbringing. How often have I heard "It's obvious to any fool that this wine can't be a Riesling, look at its color." To which I am tempted to reply, "But I thought that Rieslings were white wines."

So much for the whites, what about reds? I know the difference between a brick as in home building and a ruby as in the jewelry that I can't buy my wife because of my investments in liquid assets if you get my drift. But since I don't know the difference between brick color (look at any weathered brick home and you'll see a lot of different shades) and ruby color, how can I tell the difference between brick-colored wine and ruby-colored wine? Actually, that's not totally true, one of them is darker. And they are both a heck of a lot darker than roses. Which, when you think of it, are darker than whites.

You can't make a silk purse out of a sow's ear. But you can make a white wine out of the red Zinfandel grape. And the ensuing wine undoubtedly tastes better than a silk purse, or a sow's ear. But, and this is going on faith, having never gnawed on a silk purse or a sow's ear, not much better. Yes, I do recall the first time I sampled a White Zinfandel. Actually my wife, who is no wine lover, knew immediately what the unfortunate result would be. She said that it looked like Kool-Aid. But it didn't taste as good.

Here are the other reasons that I hate wine, to be explored shortly: Home brew, One more problem and yes, The Solution.

Levi Reiss has authored ten books on computers and the Internet, but between you and me, he prefers drinking fine German, Italian, or other wine, accompanied by the right foods and the right people. He teaches various classes in computers at an Ontario French-language community college. His global wine website www.theworldwidewine.com features a weekly review of $10 wines. Visit his Italian travel website www.travelitalytravel.com.

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