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Domestic Violence: Could You Be An Abuse Victim?

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Published: 17Jul2009
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Could You Be An Abuse Victim?

That may sound like a dumb question. You should know if you are being mistreated. You might be surprised how many people are abused who don't recognize that they are being victimized.

Abuse can be verbal. If you live with someone who belittles you, calls you names, puts your ideas down, or just doesn't listen to you, you are a victim. Contrary to the "sticks and stones" rhyme we learned as kids, names can harm you. They can embarrass, hurt, and make you feel stupid. They can destroy your self respect, and make you feel depressed. No one has the right to inflict their negative views of themselves on you. This is what someone is doing when they try to make themselves feel better by making you sad.

A person who breaks furniture, punches holes in walls, or otherwise acts like a two year old on steroids is an abuser. Anyone who thinks they have a right to be destructive because they are unhappy is immature and not very nice. You have a right to personal security, and anyone who hurts the things you value is violating your safety zone, and is being abusive.

A person who is jealous or possessive is abusive. This person has to know where you are all the time. He / she may call you at work several times a day. Visits with friends and relatives are frequently interrupted because the abuser wants to make sure he / she knows where you are and what you're doing at all times. This constant need for reassurance can damage your life. Even people who are close to each other need privacy. A person who doesn't recognize that is an abuser.

Some kinds of abuse are worse then others. Obviously, someone who is insecure about your relationship and constantly demanding your attention causes less pain then a slap or a punch. It is preferable that a window be broken in anger rather then your nose. Still, living with someone with so little self control is frightening and stressful. No one has the right to have that much sway over your mental health just because his / her own is so shakey.

Don't feel obliged to stay with someone just because he / she "doesn't hit". The importance of your physical safety can't be over-estimated. Obviously, if you are being slapped, shoved or punched, you should get yourself to safety as quickly as possible. However, anyone whose self control is so lacking that they cause damage when they are unhappy are also dangerous. Unless they recognize their problem and are willing to get and stick to getting help, they are bad for you, and are better suited to being an unpleasant memory then a helpmate for life.

If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, call the National Domestic Violence Hot Line at: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) 1-800-787-3224 (TTY)

Lucille Uttermohlen has been a family law attorney for 27 years. For more on domestic abuse or other family law issues, visit her at her web site: http://www.couple-or-not.com

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