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Thou Shalt Not Commit What? III

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Published: 20Aug2009
Word count: 616
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"I've been happily married for 10 years. I guess 10 out of 25 isn't too bad."

If you want your marriage to continue, the best alternative is not to have the affair in the first place. The new person will distract you from your family obligations, no matter how well you think you can handle the situation. You can't give either relationship the commitment it needs to be healthy. Someone is going to feel cheated, and eventually, you'll be found out.

If you want to stay married, act like it. Don't treat your spouse like yesterday's left-overs. Here are some things that might help you concentrate on your marriage and improve your spouse's attitude towards you.

1. Basic good grooming is a great start. There is nothing sexy about the smell of old sweat or bad breath. Greasy hair is a turn off, not only for sex, but even across the breakfast table. No one is always at their best, but if you are consistently at your worst, your spouse isn't going to feel you care much about his / her feelings. If you act like you care, your spouse will be more likely to return the favor.

2. Basic courtesy is another overlooked secret to marital success. Please and thank you may seem a bit formal, but think of how you like to be treated. Don't you feel more like responding positively to someone who makes a polite request rather then an imperious command? Isn't "would you please," or "If you ... I would really be grateful" nicer then, "YOU should" or "YOU need to"?

3. You are both adults. No adult likes to be bossed around, yelled at, or otherwise humiliated. Certainly no marriage is without its disagreements. Arguments about the kids, the money or sex are bound to come up.Don't accuse, demand or insist when you want things to be different. Change your own behavior, and communicate your needs courteously. This approach may not change your spouse's behavior overnight, but if you are consistently respectful, he / she will respond soon enough.

4. Relax and do something fun together. Go for a walk if you can't afford a night on the town. Take up a new hobby or activity that you both enjoy. Don't discuss problems when you are trying to have recreation. Just enjoy each other, and pretend your problems don't exist for awhile. They won't go any where, and will be there to worry about when you get home.

5. When you get home, don't ruin the mood with criticism. Just let the good mood exist. Pretend you are married to the perfect partner, and that you have no complaints. Remember, the last time you harped on it, he / she didn't change. In fact, all it did was cause resentment. If you let it go for an evening, maybe your spouse will be more interested in pleasing you, and will do or refrain from doing whatever it is that you find annoying.

Not all marriages can be saved. Some people are incompatible, and forcing them to stay together would spell misery for all concerned. However, before you throw your marriage over, give it a chance. You and your spouse were attracted to each other at one time, and if you think about what brought you together, maybe you can rekindle your love. Don't look at your attempt to reconcile as a last ditch effort. If you attempt reconciliation with good intentions and actions, you'll be more likely to find the love and respect you crave then you will if you start the process over with someone new. After all, an affair may be exciting, but so is a car wreck, and most people agree that the thrill isn't worth the gamble.

Lucille Uttermohlen has been a family law attorney for 27 years. Her specialties include divorce and paternity. For a free ebook about the divorce process, visit Lucille at http://www.couple-or-not.com

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