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Tell The Truth, The Whole Truth, And Nothing But The Truth? Maybe Not

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Published: 18May2010
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Should you always tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth? If you don't want anyone in your life, you could say honesty is the best policy no matter what. However, there are sometimes when maybe a little white lie might save your relationship. Here are a few things that might help you decide whether the truth is useful or just plain mean.

1. Has your advice been requested?

Let's say your partner has just come home from her first "Weight Watcher's" meeting. She is proud of what she is doing, and whistles while she prepares a low fat dinner for both of you. "Well, I'm glad to see you're finally doing something about your weight," is the last thing you should say.

Yes, the truth is you are glad to see her drop the pounds. Unless you've lived in a cave for the last 50 years, you know that obesity puts you at risk for heart disease, diabetes, high blood pressure, and doesn't get you any closer to winning the swim suit competition.

Doesn't your partner know that too? Does she really need to know that her weight has been on your mind? Do you think that you putting your two cents in is going to encourage her to continue on her diet? It won't. It will only embarrass and discourage her.

2. Is it a good time to give advice?

Your husband is about to walk out the door to give an important presentation. He wants to run through his speech just one more time before he leaves. You don't like the introductory joke he uses, or you think the whole thing is a bit long.

The honest thing might be to tell him what you think, but is that the right thing to do? If he has a few days to prepare and make corrections, your observation could be a life saver. A statement like, "I didn't care for that joke," or "Maybe you should trim the story about the preacher," might help him present better, and add to his confidence.

However, if he has to leave right away to get there on time, and just wants to run through it before he goes, what effect do you think any negative comments would have? He won't have time to rethink his speech, but he will have a whole car ride to think about what is wrong with it. He will worry about it, and will not be as sure of himself when he delivers his talk. Your criticism may be spot on, but is it helpful is the question you should be asking.

3. Is it something that your spouse can control?

Everybody has family. Some of us are luckier than others in that regard. If your spouse has a sister whose speaking voice could shatter glass, or a brother who thinks he is an expert on everything, don't blame your spouse. More to the point, recognize that she already knows her siblings. After all she was raised with them.

The hard truth is that she probably loves them, too. We usually love the people who share our lives. Their imperfections don't register with us, because we are so used to them, quirks and all. We don't want to have to defend those who are close to us.

Criticizing your spouse's friends or relatives won't make them change. All you will do is hurt your spouse's feelings, and make him defensive.

If you don't like certain people, then try to be tolerant. If you can, avoid being around them as much as possible. Don't try to impose your feelings on your spouse. After all, we all have different expectations and experiences. If you are too critical of the people she wants in her life, you could eventually stop being one of them.

Need some free legal help? Write to The Law Lady at thelawlady@utter-law.com or read informative articles about relationship issues at http://www.couple-or-not.com

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