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What To Do With Stubborn Parents

By Marilyn Ellis

Republish: EasyPublish™ Published: 03Mar2010 Word count: 1010 Viewed: 532 time(s) Get Free Content For Your Site

Sitting hunched over in his recliner chair, wearing oxygen tubes in his nose, John declared that he and his 89 yr old wife were just fine and they could take care of themselves, thank you very much. He was a real curmudgeon, although I expected that behind the facade of a grumpy old man, was a very nice person who was just scared to death and mad as hell at being old and sick.

One of the first questions I asked was, did they have children,and if so, where were they and would they help with the move to Assisted Living? They both replied, almost in unison, that their kids were not interested in helping in any way whatsoever. That shocked and saddened me, if that were really true. However, being in the Senior Move Management business, I have learned that there are two sides to every story.

Dynamics in families are often, if not always complicated. Elder parents, while seeming frail and helpless and also quite sweet and cuddly, can be altogether different when they are with their kids. While I see a good proportion of disinterested adult children, what I mostly see is families torn apart by denial, anger and a lot of hurt feelings. Parents know where all of their kids button are, and, as they get older, like to push them more often. Sometimes, for seniors, its just plain fun to be in the middle of family drama! Sometimes they are in denial that they need help or have some dementia. Sometimes, it is because there are unresolved hurts and resentments that suddenly surface in this new crisis.

In this particular case, the kids were actually very nice people and very concerned. The problem was that Dad was very stubborn and combative and wanted to remain in control. Mom, also very frail and ill, was very passive and just let her husband have his way to avoid being yelled at- even though he yelled at her anyway. The kids were afraid of him too. Every time they offered help, they had been rebuked, often with harsh words of criticism. So the kids,frustrated at every turn, backed off and waited until it was almost too late and their help would be unavoidable.

So,knowing all of this and seeing it often, here's some insight into the problem that I hope will help you Boomer Kids feel better.

1. Understand your parents point of view. They have lost control of their lives. They really feel uncomfortable with the role reversal - you becoming the protective parent, they the helpless children. Ask them what a solution would look like to them rather than telling them what you think they should do. That often changes the dialog to positive and puts the responsibility back on them. Remember, that's what they want!

2. They have few options left and the one thing they can still do is say NO - just because they can and often even before you've finished asking the question! When they do this, say, OK, well, I'm worried about you. How can I help?

3. Even if they seem totally lucid, there may be some dementia involved -perhaps not enough to get conservancy but still enough to slow down any process that needs doing. Frustrated kids tell me that Mom or Dad can muster up enough lucidity to fool their doctor only to become completely confused again in the parking lot! Murphpy's Law. Consider not sharing every bit of information with them and possibly giving out information on a "need to know" basis. Seniors listen through a different filter and may be sent into an emotional tailspin over something seemingly trivial. Don't feel bad about your little omissions. Your goal is to keep them safe, in spite of themselves.

4. Don't let one stubborn parent refuse help to the detriment of the other parent. Sometimes it is the caregiver spouse, in seeming good health, who suddenly dies while caring for the other spouse. Sometimes they just don't want to face the truth. Appeal to the stubborn person's "love" of their partner. If that doesn't work, feel confident that safety comes first and do what you have to do, despite their objections. You may have to ignore the rants of one parent to protect the other. Be prepared to be strong in this regard.

5. It is OK for you to feel uncomfortable in your new reversed role as parent to your parent. No other generation has ever been faced with this problem on this magnitude. You are inventing a new business model for taking care of Seniors in the 21st century. Your own kids will bless you for this and will know how to take care of you!

6. It is OK to also feel sad at losing your childhood home when your parents move into smaller digs. It's a rite of passage for you too. Don't underestimate the importance of that.

7. Don't take their mean words personally. Try to remember that a lot of what your parents might say to you is flavored by fear as well as some dementia. You always hurt the ones you love. They feel safe with you in speaking their minds. Be flattered, not hurt.

8. Know that there are professionals, such as Senior Move Managers, who deal with seniors on a regular basis and truly understand your point of view. They can be a great source, not only of information but also comfort. They understand. They have seen it many times before and you are not alone.

9. If you are struggling with family secrets or unresolved issues that are just surfacing now - childhood abuse, neglect, etc., don't be afraid to get professional help to sort those feelings out. It may be too late for you to clear the air with your parents but you deserve to put that all finally at rest and move on with your lives too.

10. Know that your parents didn't come with an instruction manual, no more than you did. Do your best, with love and compassion and a clear conscience.

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