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Is Poor Communication Sabotaging Your Great Senior Sex?

By Pat Wiklund

Republish: EasyPublish™ Published: 27Apr2009 Word count: 705 Viewed: 190 time(s) Get Free Content For Your Site

Every client I've ever worked with, both on personal issues and in the work place, has placed the blame of the difficulties they're having to communication.

What's been fascinating the vast differences in what people mean about communication problems.

Sometimes it's some version of "he doesn't listen." When what they really meant is "if he'd been listening to me, he'd do what I said he should do."

Or, "she doesn't listen." What they really meant is "if she'd just listen to what I said, she'd agree with me."

The popular press on how men and women communicate differently is rife with a wide variety of books and tapes from the truly accurate, down to earth, helpful models and tools to specious "we're on different planets" and "we're not all that different from our animal roots" tripe.

If we believe that we are totally slaves to our animal nature...then wouldn't we all still be climbing trees and eating banana as one astute observer suggested.

While few of us would go so far as to suggest we're from different planets, most of us agree men and woman have different styles of communication.

Working with your partner to get more satisfying senior sex will be so much easier, and you'll get quicker results, if you spend a little time focusing on understanding the differences between how men and women communicate. Especially the differences in how the two of you communicate.

One of the most often noticed differences is how women can talk amongst themselves about 4-6 topics at the once, even talking over one another, while men usually focus on one or two and more apt to take turns talking.

Men seem to focus on getting the problem solved immediately. And, most often by themselves. Women tend to focus on the emotional/relationship temperature of the conversation, and use collaboration for problem solving and taking action.

BUT, BEWARE of these or any other generalizations and stereotypes. They reflect the consensus of what people believe about groups of people. Not about how any one of those people actually operate. We can all think of collaborative, consensus-building men and hard headed, problem solution oriented women.

No matter how robust a stereotype is...it won't apply to everyone in the target group.

The way out of this morass?

Pay attention to the patterns and practices of your special someone. And how her communication style and practices jibe with yours...or don't as the case may be.

Don't just talk...but respond to make things better.

One of the most respected specialists in communication styles that support healthy marriages is John Gottman Ph.D. He has studied thousands of couples for many years, and is so astute at picking up subtle communication styles and patterns, he can accurately predict which couples will be ending their relationships and which will stay together...just by listening to them talk to each other.

As he says, people who are struggling with an acute problem need to share emotional information that can help them get and stay connected. Spouses need to feel the other understands and really cares about their feelings.

Gottman calls the fundamental unit of emotional communication bids. A bid could be a question, request, touch, gesture, look...any single expression that says "I want to feel connected to you."

Bids, he says, are followed by responses, which can be either positive or negative. The healthier the relationship, the more likely the other is to respond to a bid, and to respond positively. It's not individual bids and responses that make as much of a difference as how many and what kinds of bids and responses couples make.

Especially when ED is a part of your relationship, commit to staying connected. Gottman found well-connected couples have lots of bids and responses, many more than those who are having trouble. And, a high degree of connectedness makes a huge difference when conflicts arise. Or problems raise an ugly head. There's less chance of misunderstandings, and a higher likelihood of a problem resolution that serves both of them.

Time to talk with your special someone and enlist her as a special part of your Intimacy Team and begin working on improving your satisfying senior sex.

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