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Monogamy: Is She My One and Only?

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Published: 25Jan2007
Word count: 663
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After decades of matchmaking experience, years of being active in Our Community, and decades working with relationships, I have found that human nature reigns whether it is in hetero-sexual, bi-sexual or lesbian relationships. The basics of human nature and the nuances are the same. They are part of our culture. While they may differ somewhat for gay relationships, I have found these secrets to be true for all monogamous lesbian relationships.

First of all state your intentions up front and be honest about them. If you truly want a monogamous relationship, then say so, and let your actions back that up. It doesn't make sense if you say you want to be monogamous, but then you have a date with a different girl every night or spend all your weekends in a singles bar. Be honest about what you want, with yourself and your partner. And then go for it.

Don't jump into the sex dance too soon. That doesn't mean that you have to wait months before having sex. But you should explore each other and discover if you are compatible before jumping into bed. The more cautious you are, the better your chances of a successful, long-term, monogamous relationship

Develop excellent communication and negotiating skills. A relationship is a two-way street, you have to give as well as take. You must learn to ask for what you want. As women, so many of us get stuck in the ‘giver' position and don't know how to take or receive love. Some have become self consumed and believe that as long as our needs are being met, then all is fine with our partners- that's not always the case. Learn to ask the right questions to determine that your partner is getting her needs met too. Learn to compromise and communicate. Allow your partner to be a giver and reciprocator too.

Outline your deal breakers from the beginning and discuss them. Some of the most common are: drug or alcohol abuse, infidelity, jealousy and trust issues, and controlling behavior which is also a by-product of trust issues. Determine your own list of deal breakers. What do you absolutely need in a relationship and what will you not tolerate? Make your list and discuss it.

Let go of your past. Don't carry your old baggage into your new relationship. We all have baggage, everyone does, if you say you don't then you haven't lived. But that doesn't mean you drag it into your new relationship, the results could be toxic. Give your new relationship a chance! Don't sabotage it with old baggage.

Overcome jealousy and insecurity. Jealousy is a by-product of insecurity. Some of us are more secure than others. If your new partner is insecure then take the time to explore it and re-assure her. Jealousy is a toxin that will poison a relationship. What it tells your partner is, "You don't trust me." How can you build a relationship without mutual trust?

A very important factor in lesbian compatibility is type alignment. How do you define yourself? Are you a Hardcore Butch, Butch or Butch-lite? Femme, Sporty Femme, Professional Femme, Lipstick or a Femme-Femme? Are you Androgynous? Or do you prefer not to be typed? Figure out who you are and who attracts you and then align yourself with your compatible counterpart. Have that honest conversation at the beginning of the relationship and save months of struggle and ultimate heartache by trying to align incompatibilities.

With many lesbians, the initial approach is the hardest part. How do you approach someone you are attracted to, if you are too shy? For some, it is too uncomfortable or the fear of rejection is too daunting that they never even try. But once you do get that introduction or muster up the courage to introduce yourself, make the most of it by ensuring your compatibility.

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