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How to Avoid or Diffuse Conflict in Healthy Relationships

By Vivienne Wolff

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Published: 19Jan2008
Word count: 1244
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Conflict is a part of life that may be considered necessary and even healthy. It is inevitable; one should not expect to avoid conflict, but should aim to resolve or diffuse it. The following are useful tips to bear in mind when thinking about conflict:

* A healthy self-esteem necessitates assertiveness. You should not for one minute think that in order to avoid conflict that you should just agree with the other person even though your instincts tell you differently. This is a sure fire way to build resentment against the other person. If you struggle with assertiveness, this is where the work needs to be done first of all.

Remember, it is fine to say No! It can become something of a habit to stifle your desires, hopes and ambitions and just agree with the other person. This can extend even to simple things such as what to have for dinner! This is particularly true of personalities that are known as people-pleasers. These types will go out of their way to read what it is they believe others want and try and give this to them, irrespective of what they themselves really want or need.

I believe this pattern emerges from an early age when as young children, we learn to read our parents and how to please them, and deliver the desired result or behaviour. So it is that you might have hated doing ballet, but you saw the pleasure your mother got from watching you dance in the annual end-of-year concert and so persist with this hobby longer than you would if you had to choose. You would much rather do so than risk alienating your parent by admitting how much you hate to dance!

It is innate in every child that they know how to please their parent. An emotionally 'healthy' parent would be aware of this tendency and gently encourage the child to think for him/herself and make his or her own choices within appropriate parameters under the parents' guidance.

* A healthy relationship with a partner should be built on give-and-take principles, whereby compromise is the order of the day. It should not be that one partner is always the one who compromises or 'gives-in' for the sake of peace, as that too will cause the cauldron of resentment to bubble. Parties have to decide which issues are inflexible, around which there can be no question of negotiation, and which are not that hard and fast, and which can be used, for want of a better phrase, as a 'bargaining tool' . These are the issues around which the parties can negotiate.

* By far the best tip to avoid irreparable damage to a long-term relationship, whether it be simply friends or a romantic partnership or a business relationship conflict would I believe, be to make sure that conflict is not allowed to build up to such a degree that, eventually when you can no longer contain your resentment, there is an explosion when you are unable to hold back and you say things that are hurtful and vindictive. Eruptions are harder to patch up and harsh words can be hard to let go of. It is much healthier and better for a relationship that discontent is dealt with as and when it occurs. This enables you to start off with a clean slate and on a more equal footing than if you are harboring grudges from a while back which have not been aired, and therefore not cleared or resolved;

* Set time aside to talk about burning issues when children are not around. Children should never be brought into arguments, even when the issue is around one of the children. So much damage is done by allowing children to be part of the conflict, whether it is a simple argument at home, extending right to the court-based extent of arguments. Children should maintain their innocence; they should not have to choose between their parents and show allegiance to either one. Forcing children to choose sides harms them in so many ways, some more subtle than others. You should never bad-mouth the other party to the child or in the child's presence. Research abounds on the anxiety this generates for children, to say the least. Much has been written on parental-alienation syndrome, which is related to this issue of denigrating the other parent to the child or in the child's presence.

* Begin the conversation by pointing out the attributes of your partner which are really positive and which are his/her strong points. Do not launch straight into what it is about your partner that irritates you or is driving you mad! Be sure to stress the positives, even if you have to dig deep at this point. Everybody loves to hear something good about them. This sets up a proper forum or state of mind to hear criticism and to negotiate.

* Do not get defensive by trying to deny all the behaviour being raised if you are the one being complained about. Listen to the points raised as constructive criticism and remember it is hard to get honest feedback these days, so view it as a positive rather than a negative. Rather think about solutions and how you might change your behaviour to accommodate the other party, without feeling like you are 'giving up' on something you had your heart set on.

* Brainstorm, brainstorm, brainstorm. This envisages that you accept that your point of view, or behaviour as the case might be, is off, and you enlist the aid of the complaining party to help you think of strategies to change. Just throw ideas out as they come to you, without judging their quality, and with no worry about whether or not they will work. You will weigh them up later, for now, it is just about getting ideas on the table. Be inventive, let your creative juices flow!

* Remember the areas in which you DO agree, such as the love for your children and the desire to see them thrive. From that, go through each of the options that you generated in your brainstorming session and evaluate which of them might work. If some would clearly not work, remember to identify what is wrong with them so that variations on a theme might come about.

* Find an area of agreement that you can live with, even if it is not the ideal solution or the one that you would have chosen. Focus instead on the long term results of your compromise and what it will do for your relationship.

* Thank the other party pointing out the problem for bringing it to your attention and sound like you MEAN it!!

* Congratulate yourself for lasting the distance, enduring the criticism when your instincts were to run, attack or hide. See this as a step in your personal growth and in the perfection of a relationship that is based on reality, that meets the needs of all concerned, and that can become even closer through the exercise that you have just done.

* If you are not able to take any of the above advice, see a Registered Family Dispute Resolution Provider and Mediator who is an expert in resolving conflict and who can help you to take the necessary steps. Often just watching the Mediator and mirroring their style of dealing with conflict, parties can be helped to do so themselves.

Vivienne Wolff is a Practising Solicitor and Registered Family Dispute Resolution and Mediation Provider whose website can be found at http://www.mediationbywolff.com.au . Vivienne helps separating parties resolve their differences without lengthy and costly litigation. This allows them to move on with their lives and focus on the best interests of their children.

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