Job Interviews And Misery

Job interviews are terrible. I suspect that the inner circle of hell, reserved for the most heinous, deplorable villains, is one never-ending job interview. They are often stupid, preposterous games where you are evaluated by qualities and responses with little-to-no conceivable connection to the job you are applying for.

The Preparation

Job interview days are horrible from the second your alarm goes off in the morning. To begin with, you often have to take off an entire day of the job that currently pays you in order to jump through a series of hoops like a circus freak. You typically spend an entire hour primping and preening, ironing and removing stray hairs from your best suit, and trying on a preposterous amount of shirt-and-tie combinations. This often ends with honest disappointment, surprise, and indignation that your clearance-rack suit from Marshall's doesn't fit you like George Clooney's limited-edition Versace suits fit him.

Other activities you engage in may include-Brushing your teeth seventeen times.Gargling mouthwash for an entire episode of Family Guy.Applying lots of makeup if you are a straight woman or a homosexual male. *Caveat- This is not offensive. It's a fucking joke. I realize that not all straight women and gay men wear makeup. I also realize that some lesbians and straight men do wear makeup. ::coughMarilynMansoncough::

The Waiting Room

The morning preparation may be bad, but it's nothing compared to the hell that is the job interview waiting room. You walk into the office knowing that for every second you remain in the building you need to have a disgustingly positive, can-do, "I'm-a-fucking-go-getter" attitude.

The front desk secretary regards you with something from cool disapproval to outright hostility. This is especially true when you're a recent graduate coming to interview for a job that pays more in a single year than the secretary's ancestors have earned since the Garden of Eden. The irony of the situation is, of course, that this purse-lipped harlot correctly assumes that she could do the job you are interviewing for about 24.4 times better than you. She also knows that the only reason you have the interview is because you have that "diploma" on the wall that you earned by playing four years of intense beer pong while she was working three shifts to support her sixteen children- four of whom are special needs.

Then comes the real prize. You get to sit down and mingle with people who are applying for the exact same position. And of course they always appear similar to how angels in heaven must appear for special occasions. You'll get asked annoying, prying questions such as, "And where did you graduate from?" You reply that you graduated in seven years from an unaccredited community college that went bankrupt and was bought out by a sewage treatment plant. And when you try to steer the conversation away to the magazine they are reading, they inform you that it's their Harvard degree that they are inspecting for blemishes.

Until your name is called you continue to make polite conversation knowing that no one is listening to you because they are too busy trying to dislodge the steel beam hanging directly above your head with mental telepathy.

The Actual Interview

As you walk back towards the offices, you remind yourself to be a genius while remaining completely unassuming and humble. And you absolutely must be ready to deliver your over-rehearsed, boot-licking, rivetingly profound interview answers in the blink of an eye while seeming completely spontaneous.

"Ah, that's a very interesting question that I've never considered before. After thinking about it for a moment, I have an eight step comprehensive plan to address each issue you brought up that also has the side benefit of letting you decrease your expenses by 400% while tripling your global net profits."

You are now in the main event- a high-pressure trial designed to weed out the worthy candidates from the riff-raff. We all know how the game works. The interviewer instantly puts you at ease with a grandfatherly, laid-back demeanor. He probably starts off by saying he's a big fan of your alma mater's college football team and soon follows that up with a, "Hell, don't call me Mr. Miller. That's my father. Call me Chuck." Of course, while saying this, Chuck is sizing you up harder than a ravenous pit-bull sizes up a surprise guest that shows up to his master's house at three in the morning.

The actual interview questions themselves can be unbelievably annoying. Anyone who has ever been serious about getting a job sits at home the night before the interview and writes a list of the most likely questions they'll receive. You know, if you are applying to be a surgeon you might be asked how you feel about a new controversial method of cutting open someone's brain. Or you might be asked your philosophy on ensuring your staff won't make errors that will saddle the hospital with millions of dollars in liabilities. Then you arrive at the interview and get bone-headed questions like the following.

Actual Questions Asked In Actual Interviews

A man interviewing to be an Evaluserve business analyst was asked, "Please name five uses of a stapler without staples." Well, um. First, I could take it in my right hand, smash it into your temple, and then bang your wife. A man interviewing at Fisher investments was asked, "Are your parents disappointed with your career aspirations?" Well, um. No, they aren't. Are yours? Do you need to talk? A man interviewing at Summit Racing Equipment for an E-commerce manager position was asked, "If you were a Microsoft Office program, which one would you be? Well, um. I'd probably be one of the programs from Windows 95 because I can only perform basic, simple functions, my capabilities are outdated, I've gotten around, and almost everyone has pounded on me in the past. A man interviewing at Blackrock was asked, "You have a birthday cake and have exactly 3 slices to cut it into 8 equal pieces. How do you do it? Well, um. I wouldn't cut it into any pieces at all. I'd pick up that motherfucker and swallow it whole. A man at interviewing at Guardsmark was asked, "What do wood and alcohol have in common?" Well, um. I know that the more alcohol you give me, the more likely you are see my wood.

Brian Zulberti, Esq. is a highly-controversial, internationally-known Delaware attorney who advocates for a strict separation between an individual's professional life and her social life. Zulberti strongly opposes the practice of employers searching employee social media accounts. Zulberti writes articles on a variety of topics on his website-

This article was published on 02 May 2014 and has been viewed 539 times
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