I remain a proud Belieber. And let me tell you, times aren't good in our camp. Somewhere, sometime, somehow, it became really damn cool to Hate Justin Bieber. Before you spelling and grammar Nazis get released from whatever hellish cesspool you live in, where people actually give a damn about such things, I intended the capital "H" in Hate. Because Bieber Haters don't Hate him in the "little h" sense they might hate when their bartender makes them a weak drink. They Hate him in a sense similar to how they hate terrorism, cancer, and pestilence.
You can go anywhere, except to a high school field hockey team, and earn some instant cred by rolling your eyes and saying, preferably in a tone dripping with scorn and condescension, "Oh, god, I hate Justin Bieber" There is actually an "I Hate Justin Bieber" Facebook page with just under a half million "likes." Pause for a second and re-read the previous sentence. Read it a third time and let it sink in. To put that number in perspective, that would be the amount of one dollar bills Justin Bieber would spend for six consecutive trips to the strip club. *Calculated based upon the $75,000 the New York Daily News reports Bieber dropped at Miami's King of Diamonds strip club for Lil' Scrappy's birthday.
Who are these people that are so consumed with hate or have such utterly pathetic, boring lives? After doing a little more research, I found that these people amuse themselves by saying things like, "If Bieber is the Kurt Cobain of this generation, I sure hope he kills himself too!" Like, excuse me? What did Bieber do to you? For you to wish suicide upon him?
There is a website called, "Lesbians Who Look Like Justin Bieber," devoted to making fun of him by comparing his appearance to masses of boyish-looking lesbians. Word on the streets is that the popular children's book, "Where's Waldo?" is going to be replaced this year by "Where's Justin?" The reader attempts to distinguish Biebs, on each colorful page, from hundreds of lesbians.
Bieber haters always seem to have lots of time on their hands. I suspect it's probably the time the rest of us spend hanging out with our friends or going on dates. Bieber hates have also been examining every celebrity interview ever given for signs that celebrities hate the Biebs. I have to admit, they've compiled quite a list. The sentiments range from Olivia Wilde tweeting that Justin should "put a fucking shirt on," to Seth Rogen posting that "all jokes aside, Justin Bieber is a piece of shit," to Drake Bell fanatically supporting an online petition urging President Barack Obama to give the Biebs a speedy deportation.
As you sit here reading this blog, Bieber's national popularity numbers are probably falling even further. Yes, he has national popularity numbers. Does anyone else find this a little bit... extreme? Does anyone else feel like they entered the Twilight Zone? This intense, passionate, anti-Bieber sentiment is approaching the intensity we saw just after the 2000 elections when massive amounts of butt-hurt Democrats swore a blood oath to vilify George W. Bush to their graves. This anti-Bieber hatred has turned into a sickness. I'm a lawyer, not a doctor, but I'm going to tell you some of the symptoms.
I'm going to get crucified for saying this, but most of you are jealous to death of Justin Bieber. Yes, I said it. Justin Bieber is nineteen years old and he has an estimated net worth of $160 million dollars. Pardon my French, but he drives a fucking Lamborghini, and when he isn't performing in front of tens of thousands of screaming fans, he's, well, doing whatever the fuck he wants (and all of this while Drake Bell is sitting at Bankruptcy Court).
This is the part where some of you make some variation of the "money isn't everything" or "money cannot buy happiness" arguments that we all know are utter crocks. Let me break it down this way. Justin want happiness. Fun make Justin happy. Brand new yellow Lamborghini cause fun. Money buy brand new yellow Lamborghini. Money buy happiness.
But I can't say it as well as Steven Tyler did. Perez Hilton reports that, when asked if he had any advice for Biebs, Steven Tyler replied-
You know I called Justin this morning I said, 'Justin let me ask you a question, were you sitting next to a gorgeous woman?' He said, 'Yeah.' I said, 'Were you in a yellow Ferrari?' He said, 'Yeah.' I said, 'Are you the biggest popstar in the world, today, right now?' He said, 'Yeah.' I said, 'Nice going.'
'Nuff said. Thanks Steven.
Justin Bieber- The Individual
The never-ending media attention has taught us that Justin is a very rare breed indeed. As unbelievable as this seems, Justin Bieber appears to be a nineteen year old boy who likes wild parties, drinking with his friends, getting high, and gorgeous naked women with big breasts.
From time to time, he does things like peeing in mop buckets in New York City clubs or getting kicked out of swanky Argentinian hotels. Classy behavior? Perhaps not, but it doesn't explain why you hate him more than you hate Jeffrey Dahmer. Oh, and Hotel Faena, when Justin Bieber booked a room were you really going for the library atmosphere?
With a nineteen-year-old, disgustingly wealthy international phenomenon like Justin, instances of youthful over-exuberance are going to occasionally arise. These instances aren't going to be defensible, per se, although I hear the pissing in the mop bucket was a "had to be there" kind of moment. But I caution you all to remember that he.. didn't.. eat.. your.. children.
People who think it's wild to have a second martini at happy hour will never understand Justin's lifestyle. But you don't have to. That's why God included quilt shows and Scrabble in the same divine scheme responsible for the creation of Justin's infamous yellow Lamborghini or the cognac I assume he washes his Cheerios down with. Justin is a prankster at heart, and sometimes does things that Jesus, well, wouldn't do. On the other hand, I bet he's a lot more fun to hang out with than Jesus.
All kidding aside, Justin's escapades have been getting out of control lately. While he used to content himself with joy riding abandoned patrol bikes in Las Vegas hotel hallways, Bieber is allegedly involved in DUIs, drag racing, vandalism, and an assault on a limo driver. There are also numerous reports of Bieber partaking in illegal drugs of a much more serious ilk than marijuana.
If Justin is doing alright and just having a little too much fun sometimes, I say party on. If his life is spiraling out of control I wish him the best and hope he gets help. While I don't know these answers, I do know a couple things about Justin's life.
Bieber's Real Crime
At the end of the day, Justin Bieber probably shouldn't be knighted or made the Catholic Church's next Saint. But neither should he be held to those standards. Justin Bieber is not Pope, President of the United States, or a powerful Senator. He's a nineteen year old pop star who woke up one day and realized he was living a dream I doubt even he ever imagined possible.
Bieber's real crime, in the eyes of his haters, is that he often acts his age. While it's possible for someone his age to own a small business and have authored four books, most American nineteen-year-olds, on and off college campuses, are doing precisely the same thing as Justin- drinking, getting high, acting crazy with their friends, and getting pulled in a million different directions by their insatiable sex drives. They are struggling with the complexities of, well, growing up. Those of us adults who haven't completely shoved a stick up our ass may even remember similar experiences. The only difference with Justin is that he's doing it in a high-profile fashion down in South Beach and while he's on the cover of all the tabloids.
We don't know Justin. But for the sake of argument, let's paint Justin as an immature, rude, danger to society. Let's say he's a loose cannon that needs rehab. That still doesn't justify all the Bieber-hatred. If he has serious addictions maybe it's because of the pressures of being an international mega-star who is insulted and maligned by all you jealous haters. Wouldn't the correct reaction be sympathy, not hatred?
If he is drinking, driving and assaulting innocent civilians, wouldn't the appropriate response be concern or to hope he gets help before he becomes another Hollywood tragedy? If, and again I stress if, Justin is floundering now, and your response is hatred, you have a bigger problem than Justin could ever dream of.
Brian Zulberti, Esq. is a highly-controversial, internationally-known Delaware attorney who advocates for a strict separation between an individual's professional life and her social life. Zulberti strongly opposes the practice of employers searching employee social media accounts. Zulberti writes articles on a variety of topics on his website- http://www.brianzulberti.net